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When I was little
I would ride and ride
On a beautiful white horse
With tassels in his mane.
I was a queen,
Smiling at the
People below me,
Moving and giggling
To the sound of
Music.
The notes twirled,
Dancing with a
Happy smile
Audibly seen.
They sent me
Into a dreamland
That was pure…
Simplistic…
Real.

But it wasn’t.
It was just your
Quarters
Continuously feeding me
False dreams.
And when they stopped,
Fed me harsh
Realities.





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This article has 10 comments. Post your own now!

Natasha M. said...
Aug. 16, 2010 at 4:29 pm
i dont have an open mind like you for critique. its written the way its written and i love it the way it is
 
introducing.me_899This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 16, 2010 at 8:03 am
awww, that was a really good poem. i liked the idea of it...ur a good writer dude ^^
 
babigerl1194 said...
Aug. 13, 2010 at 12:15 pm
OMG! I just LOVE this. the way you wrote sounds like its from a book or a movie. a quote that would become notorious. But it totally fits as poetry. one word having its own line just screams to me and pops. excellent!
 
ForeverknownasCheyenne said...
Aug. 3, 2010 at 12:56 pm

I really liked this one, i understadn now what you were saying about some of my poetry. Yours has a better flow without all the commas i would have put.

The end of the last stanza;

"And when they stopped

Fed me harsh

Realities."

It just seems like something more is needed in between the lines..Like its just missing a little someting. Just take that into consideration.

 
sleeplessdreamer replied...
Aug. 3, 2010 at 9:05 pm

Thank you for the feedback and then suggestion. I really love it when people tell me the critiques. I'm just curious to see what you have in mind for the fillers between those lines. I definitely can see what you mean about something being missing, but I'm wondering about your take.

 

 
ForeverknownasCheyenne replied...
Aug. 3, 2010 at 10:10 pm

But it wasn't.

It was just your

Quarters

Continuously feeding me

False dreams.

And when they stopped,

My eyes focused

On the world surrounding me.

Spotting mistakes,

And misfortunes,

The little girls dreams faded,

Feeding me harsh

Realities.

 
sleeplessdreamer replied...
Aug. 7, 2010 at 11:08 pm
Ok.... yeah... Thanks!!!
 
Inherinerd said...
Jul. 27, 2010 at 3:18 pm
I really like the emotion in all of your pieces. The flow was pretty good except for a few places where the end of the line broke in an odd place. I like how the whole time you conveyed the joy and the confidence and then in the end i liked how reality came crashing down on you.
 
NeverClarity said...
Jul. 18, 2010 at 1:32 pm
This is amazing. I love that you stress the "invincible" feeling, like anything can happen and you're living in a dream before reality sets in. I also like that you allude to the fact that the quarters fed into the carousel are like lies fed to the rider. Nicejob!
 
JesusIsMySavior777 said...
Jul. 16, 2010 at 6:59 pm
so well worded. u hav such a beautiful talent
 
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