The Colours of my Mind

March 22, 2010
By Anonymous

I tell myself
That I want to
That I want to do it
But I cant
I cant push myself
I need to
I have to
But I’m stuck in a hole of sadness
The sadness being a backish blue
Like lightning
Surging through my head
I only wish it were that simple…

Just above my hole
Is a tad of grey
Where things are mixed
Everything is happy on the outside
But it all has a condition
I suppose that that’s how everything works
Happiness is payed for with lies
And secrets
And consequences
For just trying to be happy for once
Who would have ever thought as such a thing
As being happy
Without any strings attached?
Then there is white
The colour that makes me think of…him
The person that can make me happy
No matter the circumstances
He always makes me happy
Just with his presence
I love him
But he doesn’t love me
Because he’s not like me
He’s normal
I’m different, and looked down upon
By everyone
Besides him
The one who I love

Then there is brown
The colour of friendship
That makes me think of all the people
That keep me alive
As much as I dislike life
They force me to stay through it
And I force them to go through theirs
Living through problems day in and day out
That try to get in the way
But we fight back
And sometimes
We aren’t strong enough
And other times
We are

Then there is green
The state that I get in
With substances, that could fall under
The category of grey
But their consequences are outlined
And not decided
Until it’s too late
I take one sip
Or one huff
And start a rampage
Into bliss
But only for a short amount of time
And when I wake up
The consequence
Is the feeling of having my head
Smashed into a brick wall

Red is my hatred
For the people of the world
And what they do
Red burns inside me
Like a fire of passion
Of hate
For all the things humans do
And when I am red
I want to destroy something
But I hold back
And just tap my foot
And act normal
Although inside
I am about to explode
With hate
And red

Purple is calmness
I never get purple
It will come spontaneously
As a reward for something I did right
Without doing it on purpose
Purple is what I need
To live
But seeing that I have none of it
It makes it rather hard
To live for the time being

But I go on
Flipping through colours
Like a child changing channels
Mostly through blue and grey
But occasionally
I get a hint of difference
Telling me that
I still should remain living
And not plunge
Into the sweet comfort
Of black
The flavour of
And suicide
Which I long for

The author's comments:
This is me, and my brain.

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