Big Sister | Teen Ink

Big Sister

February 22, 2010
By MayaElyashiv PLATINUM, Ramat Hasharon, Other
MayaElyashiv PLATINUM, Ramat Hasharon, Other
37 articles 4 photos 196 comments

I knew you'd trip
I saw you fall

And yet I did nothing
nothing at all

I foresaw your mistake
I heard your cries

Yet I didn't help you
just closed my eyes

But when I noticed the danger
saw their anger
race

I told you to run
and took your place.


The author's comments:
I wrote this about my relationship with my younger brother.

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This article has 9 comments.


on Sep. 23 2010 at 9:46 am
MayaElyashiv PLATINUM, Ramat Hasharon, Other
37 articles 4 photos 196 comments

The problem with the "anger" line is that the tempo gets slower...its hard to show that in the writing so I slid it down. 

Haha thanks, I try to choose pictures that match. I had some amazing luck with this one. 


AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 23 2010 at 8:50 am
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

The good: This has a really powerful message, and I really liked it!  Good job!

The bad:  I think "race" should be on the same line as "saw their anger".

The random: Nice picture choice!


on Jul. 9 2010 at 3:35 pm
MayaElyashiv PLATINUM, Ramat Hasharon, Other
37 articles 4 photos 196 comments
Thank you!

Eilatan GOLD said...
on Jul. 9 2010 at 3:30 pm
Eilatan GOLD, Old Greenwich, Connecticut
11 articles 1 photo 307 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Nobody is normal. Everybody in the world is a weirdo freak. Except you, which makes you a weirdo freak."

This is really powerful. I love the ending, where the note of protection enters the piece. the format is good too. the rhyme between 'fall' and 'all' isn't the strongest, but the overall message is really important. this is great.

on Jul. 2 2010 at 9:49 am
MayaElyashiv PLATINUM, Ramat Hasharon, Other
37 articles 4 photos 196 comments

Yeah, it's on purpose, but I think this is one of the poems that works better when I read it aloud...it's supposed to be read something like this:

 

But when I noticed the danger (pause)

saw their anger (half pause)

race

 

So the "race" takes up the second half of the pause, and there is less of a pause between the end of the stanza and the beginning of the next one. 


on Jul. 2 2010 at 9:27 am
aaaaaqweqweqwe SILVER, Somewhere, Illinois
6 articles 0 photos 67 comments

Wow! I'm impressed. The only problem I had was wih the fifth stanza, it threw me off because it has three lines instead of two. I'm not sure if that was on purpose.

 

great job. keep writing :)


on Jun. 3 2010 at 12:28 pm
MayaElyashiv PLATINUM, Ramat Hasharon, Other
37 articles 4 photos 196 comments

Thanks! Sorry for replying so late, I wasn't notified by TeenInk that someone had commented...

 

I'm really glad you like it! And yeah, siblings can be...tough to keep the peace with. 


on Apr. 26 2010 at 3:38 pm
SarClark BRONZE, NC, Connecticut
2 articles 0 photos 534 comments

Wow, I clicked on you only to realize that I've commented on this before! I still really like it :) 

Great job 


on Mar. 2 2010 at 6:55 pm
SarClark BRONZE, NC, Connecticut
2 articles 0 photos 534 comments
Sounds like you got a rough time. I have a younger brother too, and there are times when we get along great, and times when... not so much.


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