I can’t focus.
It is taking all of my attention.
It hurts.
It feels like something is building inside.
I need to do something stupid.
All I need relief from this agony.
I need the instant sharpness.
I need to hear the noise that is so high pitched it makes me cringe.
I need the rush of thinking what could happen next.
I need to see the bubble of bright red blood seep through.
I need the burning sensation that comes right before the numbness.
So I do it.
I go through the normal steps.
Bu then there comes something unexpected.
At first I like it.
The room starts to spin. Then I have one of those out of body experiences. I watch me my eyes pop open. The blood doesn’t stop like it usually does. It pours out. I feel like my soul is spilling out on the floor. I run to fix myself up. I get dizzy. Oh god it hurts now. Why does it hurt? It shouldn’t hurt. I fall. I fall hard. Then it comes again, one of those out of body experiences again. I watch. I watch a sea of bright red blood pour from my skull. I watch my lifeless body drown. It drowns in my sorrow, pain, and secrets.
I’m free.