Close My Eyes...'Am Still Awake...

January 16, 2010
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I lay in bed after a tough day,
Turned from side to side and then away.

I closed my eyes, forcing myself to sleep,
In this one moment, fearing, that reality might creep from underneath.

I then try and think of all the good stuff:
The little happiness that life has brought to me
And all those ‘I think’ I love.

Pain pushes happiness aside
And yet, I lay awake in bed at night.

Knowing it’s dark and thinking that,
‘Maybe now I can shed,’
All the tears wanting to spill out and all the thoughts haunting my head.

I then squeeze my eyes shut, tight,
Fearing that on opening them,
My life will be put to light.

Imagining God in the darkness of truth,
Trying to question him on his doings,
And then trying to conclude.

I then wished that I was a child again,
With someone petting my head at night and learning counting
From one to ten.

I tried to point out where things changed and when it all went wrong,
Not working out still,
Trying to remember the words of my favourite song:

‘Hey Dad, look at me,
Think back and talk to me,
Did I grow up according to plan?’
Not remembering the words after that line,
Feeling the heat rise up to my cheeks,
Secretly, still praying to God,
Hoping, he’ll send some kind of (good) sign.

I tried to list out,
Why I must wake up the next day?
Traitor tears finally gave in and I quietly wept,
Then realizing, ‘Forget about waking up. I still haven’t slept.’

I let my mind go blank,
Black all around,
Even then in darkness, pain found a way to take me down.

I then gave in, opening my eyes and wondering.
What to do?
Praying to God yet again,
Knowing well, that my prayers weren’t getting through.

Then I thought,
That there will come a day when these sleepless nights and pain will end,
And then by my side, I’ll have Death as a friend.

And then as I closed my eyes,
Hearing the clock’s ticking sound,
Happily knowing, that every time a second went by,
That much lesser I’d be around.

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