October 12, 2009
By , pleasant valley, IA
I can't even imagine
What you would say to me
If you knew...


If you knew that
------I've been tracing my fingers over
------The tips of needles and
The edges of knives
------For months now.

I've been blotting out the poison thoughts
In my head
Every night,
Taking tissues and wiping them away
But it's hard to let go of a habit

That supported both my ribcage&spine

For years.

It's more than just an addiction,
(I'm not sure you understand.)
It's a habit.
(It used to make me happy.)
It's something that's always there.
(When nobody else is.)
It's the same old adrenaline blood-rush.
(Every single time.)

The other night my mind almost crashed, you know.
Even the walls were twisting and turning,
And my breath was fog.
I tried to stop exhaling


The fog was getting too thick.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That night you told me that
Things would be okay again.

I drank in your words,
Hoping that maybe they would intoxicate me.
(They used to.)
I needed to be taken away from the
Room with spinning walls

& fog.

[It seems impossible to forget that
I used to love the sight of my own blood.]

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