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As the lights dimmed, she caught a glimpse of her shadow.
The shadow frightened her.
It showed her exactly what she had come to be.
it showed the insecurity.
everyone saw it in the way her arms were drawn tight across her chest, keeping her feeling protected.
less vulnerable to the harsh, cruel world outside.
they saw the way her smile faltered when everyone walked away and her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to think of why she couldnt run after them.
why couldnt she?
she may never have a concrete answer for that question.
maybe she was scared.
maybe she wanted to be isolated, keep herself safe.
maybe she thought she didnt need them. didnt need those people to tell her who to be, how to act.
she doesnt know, yet she still questions everything.
she doesnt believe that all questions need answers but she believes answers bring a sense of hope.
she yearns for that sense of hope.
she wants to feel something remotely positive and hope it will get her through the day.
her peers see how she has failed multiple times and only wish the best for her.
they want for her to become that girl again.
the girl that smiles at strangers and doesnt seem to ever have a care in the world.
why has she changed?
she will never admit it or maybe she just doesnt realize but she has let insignificant people change her opinion of herself.
she has let herself become a slave to conformity, desperately hoping to "fit in" and be what everyone else expects her to be.
maybe the pressure got to her.
maybe she couldnt keep up.
or maybe she just didnt want to anymore.
does it matter?
really, at the end of the day does it matter how she got there?
why she let herself get there and what other people think about that?
she would never tell you, but it means so much.
it means everything.
she may think no question needs to be answered yet she questions everything she has ever known.
she may seem like a smart ass and hide emotions with sarcasm yet everything she says means something.
it means so much.
underneath the descriptive words, and petty insults she is telling you exactly what she thinks.
she does it this way because its easier.
easier to take everything lightly, treat it as a joke so she isnt subject to criticism.
there is a world of hurt outside these doors, but here she feels safe.
nothing can change that.
she knows that here, in the privacy of her mind, she is free to think whatever she needs to think to make it to the next stage of this neverending process.
life is a process.
yes, it will end eventually, but until that moment we are forced to live through each of these steps.
you cant avoid them.
so dont try to.
no matter how much you dont want to move on, life continues without you and soon enough you have to catch up.
leave the past in the past and move on.
go to the next step.