I Can't Speak

October 26, 2009
By Impure BRONZE, Mason, Ohio
Impure BRONZE, Mason, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

The bell rings and the students leave -- it's all another day
Voices call out and laugh, echoing through to the end of another day
But what happens when I smile without a smile, laugh without a laugh. Speak without speaking.
My parents don't know. My friends don't know.
Hell, I-- Even I don't know.
But what do I do when I can't find my voice in the sea of murmuring voices? I look around me and I can see everyone trying to fit in, find somewhere they can belong, whether they're black, white, asian, athletic, smart, or full of heart.
But where can I fit in?
I know I'm not alone, but when I can't see, I'm afraid to speak. And when this voice rusts because of my fear, soon I won't be able to speak.
The pride of Harvey Milk and the dignity of Ellen Degeneres.
What would you do, if you knew, that your friends could laugh at you.
What would you do, if your parents knew, and they couldn't blame anyone. Anything. The fine people of the Holy Spirit, bending backwards at the sight of you.
I know I'm not alone, but I can't see. I can't quell my fears if I can't see.
Then I lose my voice, and I can't speak.
I am a woman, tempted to not look at a man. A man looking at another woman's man. But what can I do? It all fades away as the bell rings for another day.
Another day when I could not speak.

The author's comments:
A few years ago, I joined a teenager theatre troupe, where I fell in love at first sight with the lead actor. It took weeks before I discovered he was gay. Of course, that was heartbreaking on my side, but his story was quite heartbreaking as well. Ever since his more feminine side began to emerge, his parents threw away every single sign of him possibly being gay, from tight clothes to jewelry and a farewell christmas present of knitting needles. The trauma of his parents' humiliation caused him to seal up his sexuality, passing as a straight man - all just to please his parents.
He committed suicide this past summer. What he went through, I’ll never understand, but I want to let people know.

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