The only thing holding me back is because I know the consequences. I'm not stupid, and it's not like I don't care. I'm just too curious. I want to know. The feeling. The feeling of the first time. I've heard about it. It feels good. Amazing. Sensational. How much? How much though? What is it worth?! I mean, is it possible that this feeling could actually bring good things? Could it open up a new door? Change the way I think in a positive way? Is it worth it? I don't know. Because I don't know the feeling. I would only know if I tried it. But I can't try it without taking a chance. Gambling is risky. I'm not willing to bet my life. But what if I didn't die. What if I tried it once without becoming addicted? Without dyeing. Without killing my body from inside out. Without any damage at all. I wonder what it's like. Why is it so freaking addicting? Is it really that good? Will I feel what other's feel; the 'rush' of feelings so intense so powerful so''wow, that you crave it. It must be a pretty good feeling. Even if there is a crash and burn that follows. First you feel good, then you feel awful. But I like feeling awful. Even when I hate it I love it. It makes me think. Makes me learn. Makes me feel like I just gained something. That's why I have cut. The feeling. To me most feelings are good feelings. I just wanna know. But thank god. I'm too afraid.
March 14, 2009