When My Soul Speaks

January 13, 2009
As I look at my 8th grade school picture
I shed quiet tears,
Realizing how much I’ve grown in the past three years.
Everyday constantly being judged by my peers.
With every word they say my confidence disappears.
And with every passing day
The end slowly nearing.
After school I go home.
I sit in my room all alone.
It feels like all my hopes and beliefs,
Goals I want to achieve,
My one and only breath of relief
Is gone.
I’m alone in this world.
Alone in these halls.
Trapped in between enemies and brick walls.
There’s so much weight on my back.
It feels like I’m carrying 100 bricks in my backpack.
And the strength that I need to carry it.
Is the strength that I lack.
It’s so heavy I might fall.
Hell naw!
I aint going, I’ma stand tall.
Through ups and downs,
Through thick and thin.
Running through cement walls.
I’ma get through it all.
I’ma get to the end.
And all the people I see,
Those who think little of me,
Who tried to knock me off my feet,
They won’t doubt me again.

You see,
It’s for love that I thirst.
Didn’t know if yall would show me none
That’s why I didn’t wanna do this at first.
You think its all cuts and bruises?
Not having no love
That’s what hurts what hurts.
I feel like I’m cursed.
I go home and slit my wrists cause that pain hurts worse.
And with every word I spit
Holding back my tears gets harder and harder.
For yall every day is sunny
But for me days get darker and darker.
Seems like my chance for happiness moves farther and farther.
Bad days come more often and seem longer and longer.
The pain I feel gets stronger and stronger.
And I wanna blame it all on him and on her.
I look at my arms.
Tears falling on the scars.
Trying to heal them like pure co-co butter.
Through my tears I mutter…
I wonder who am I?
As I gaze at the bright stars.
At night I toss and turn in my bed sheets.
Evil visions come to me in my sleep.
Stomach always empty
But I hurt so bad sometimes I don’t eat.
No matter how much good I do,
I always feel defeat.
Turned to a nothing ass niggah for some comfort, compassion, love and relief.
Turns out he didn’t do nothing
But make life harder for me.
Loving him to much
And he didn’t love me equally.
People told me “let him go”
But I said “hell no”
They told me I would see when the butterflies leave.
They left.
Now I know.
And now I’m free.
Free love me and only me.
And as my heart starts to slowly beat.
My knees get week.
My eyes get blurry,
I can hardly see.
My heart starts to cry.
I feel it inside.
It’s a very strong feeling.
And its one that I cant hide.
I open up my spirit to yall
And if you listen real hard.
This poem you will hear
Loud, lovely, and clear.
A whisper at heavens tallest mountain peek.
And when I go to bed,
I ask the Lord to keep my asleep.
I don’t wanna be awake.
I’m praying for God to keep me whole for my mother’s sake.
I’m speaking thorough my heart with every poem I make.
My spirit is so bruised
That my body aches.
With every passing day,
I’m growing older.
The pain goes away when I’m drunk
So I don’t wanna be sober.
Wonder how this will affect me when this high school life is over.
Poetry is my voice.
Cant draw, sing, or dance
So this is my only choice.
Don’t go to church
But on Sunday I rejoice.
If you look at me you’ll see.
Because of the fact that I got asthma and I smoke,
I cant breathe.
Because of what they say
I can’t be me.
Mouth closed.
Heart open wide.
Quiet as kept I could be.
And if you listen real hard.
This poem you will hear
Loud, lovely, and clear.
When my soul speaks.

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