Poetry i wrote

By
Remember that day,
When we walked on a sandy shore,
The sun was so bright,
It was the opening of our door.

No one else mattered,
It was just you and me,
To hell with anyone else,
It's just both of us walking by the sea.

You slipped that necklace around my neck,
I hated how it looked,
But it meant the world to me,
and my heart pounded and shook.

I was over at my mothers house yesterday,
Searching for a pen,
Something colourful caught my eye,
It was that necklace from a lot of years ago, about ten.

I screamed, I twitched, I cried,
Oh I miss you so,
It's been a long while,
and even though we fought you're not my foe.

I've kept it with me,
Yes I have,
Even though you're married,
I won't forget our love.

Just don't forget me,
I know I'll never,
And I'm ending this letter to you by saying,
I'll love you forever.





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Realjay41This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 17 at 6:56 pm
It's a very good piece!
 
Philip_Hart said...
Feb. 26, 2010 at 12:47 pm
I'll give you feed back. :) Okay, first: your first three stanzas are wonderful. I wouldn't change them. The last line of the fourth one is a bit awkward sounding, though. I would try to cut down the syllables you use there. Perhaps you could cut out the "a lot of" and for style you could put the "about ten" in a fifth line. The last line of your fifth stanza is also just a little long for the flow. The sixth stanza is a bit jolting because it doesn't follow yo... (more »)
 
NothingButAli This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 4, 2010 at 1:31 pm
i think the point of the sixth stanza, Is that its jolting to show that the shock of missing him. it wouldnt be a great poem without it.
 
GingerJoy3 said...
Jan. 26, 2009 at 1:33 am
One word: Beautiful.

I can't believe anybody wouldn't appreciate this. It was great to read, and I was drawn in. Keep up the good work.
 
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