The Pineapple Saga

October 7, 2008
By Tyler Holoboski, South Plainfield, NJ

Tis the night before Christmas-no wait- its 22
I'd like to share my traumatic experience with you
There are tales of monsters and gouls, some are true or a myth
This harrowing tale could happen to you and it starts with:

Unknowing mother bought pineapples and caused me such dread
Gripped in raw terror I stopped dropped and rolled under the bed.
With fear absolute I broke into a super cold sweat
For the sickly sweet Hawaiian fruit I'll never forget.

My hair is all pokey and knotted and smells of gym socks
I had a breakfast burito that sits like a lead rock
I did annoying math homework until quarter to three
once settled in bed all cozy and warm- I had to pee

So I'm exhausted, disgruntled, unsettled in my gut
"el grapadora es roja y muy feo" What?!
My teacher's Russian, Italian, Provelone, I don't know
The one thing I'm sure is that he put on a real great show.

"Charteruse Flipper Floppers TEST TODAY" was all I understood
I wanted to run away or hide under my large hood.
Oh my gosh I thought to myself- This really cannot be
I really should've studied and I also have to pee!

So I did some calm yogic breathing just to clear my head
Because if I do not pass this test I'm surely dead
So on my desk the test just sat as I fished for answers
All I could think of was MTV and hip hop dancers.

I did the best I could and handed the blank test in
He looked at it and glared at me- like a kick in the shin
Feeling as though i should've gone and prayed at the chapel
My teacher turned into a foul disgusting pineapple!

I intensely hate pineapples and almost upchucked
Everything turned into a pineapple: I'm out lucked!
I completely wigged and ran far waya to my small home
"I need oxygen" i panted. "I think I am in Rome!"

"I made it home" I gasped as I went to go embrace my poor mom
To my horror she grew rounder and so did Uncle Tom
They grew all pokey and burnt yellow and lost body parts
They couldn't see, they couldn't dance, I'm sure they lost their smarts.

One of them came up to me and we had a little chat
"You do not need to fear us, its those grapes- they're full of fat."
"We're packed with vitamins and we're addictingly sweet, yo"
"Chop us up fresh or drink our juice we're so yummy fo' sho"

I summed up the courage, conquered the fear of the fruit
So slowly i chewed; mmmmmmmmmh I liked it to boot.
"Me llamo es TEST OVER" the giant pineapple cried
Frantically looking my math class I spied; I nearly died.

It was only a vivid dream, but a lesson was taught
There is no longer fear in the pineapples mother bought.
I hate those foul, gross grapes, but I like pineapples best
The worst thing of all was I failed my Algebra test!

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This article has 4 comments.

MeAganNH said...
on Jul. 4 2009 at 5:37 am
MeAganNH, Ely, Nevada
0 articles 34 photos 2 comments
That is too good for words right there. I'll remember this poem when I need a good laugh or have a test coming up. Great job you rocked it!

crazy W. said...
on Oct. 30 2008 at 12:39 am
Hi tyler!! I like your poem a lot! keep writing dude! =]

White said...
on Oct. 21 2008 at 12:06 am
I like it alot! it was very funny.

teri-esa said...
on Oct. 12 2008 at 11:45 pm
Wow, honestly it's hilarious. Random, but entirely and completely hilarious. Hint for the future... If you don't like pineapple don't watch Psych.


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