happy birthday, B:

By
All around me, sinking in, are
Images of places I've never
Been and people that I've never
Met and I feel like I've
Already been here before
And met you before and we might
Have already had this
Conversation but repetition isn't
Really that terrible, now
Is it?

I feel this grinding under my
Skin and I have no sense of
Clarity or reality or if I am
Dreaming or awake half of the
Time of if I'm dead or really
Alive, actually, because I see
Things I shouldn't see and I
Hear things I shouldn't hear
And oh, my dear I'm in the
Headlights and I'm getting
Sucked under the mattress like a
Forgotten sock or that Halloween
Card you sent me your
Senior year or the flowers you sent
When you broke my heart and left me to
Talk about my feelings with a
Loon and a caterpillar and an
Understanding tigress who
Advocated her own brand of
Hookah to the caterpillar for
Me to try.

I did not try and will not
Try no matter how hard you
Push me because I am not any
Better and I am slowly
Relapsing into my dark night
Terrors as I am awake, I think,
Where Sadie awaits me, playing
Pink Floyd backward in the
Bedroom where I cannot sleep and
We once sat on the floor under the
Lamp by where that Halloween
Card you wrote me once is
Chilling out, forgotten like when
We used to be closer than two kids
Ever should be.

You say that I'm nuts, and I
Completely agree with your
Opinion but can you try to
Sit back and see things from
Where I stand in my father's
Bedroom tonight and his
Girlfriend is sleeping
Alone while I continue to
Lock myself in my own prison with
Stuffed animals and muses and
Thermals and eels to sit
There and tell me that I am
Actually kind of normal, and
Just a little misguided.

On another note, this is not a
Note to be left on the
Bathroom floor, it is simply the
Half-crazy ramblings of the
Early morning after your
Birthday that I could not
Spend with you even if it was not
Mine to spend.

Even if you surround yourself
With fabled characters and
Lamprey fishes and Freddy
Kreuger with vicious wishes,
I want you to remember that
I love you and that these
Scars are your scars and
I'm really glad that on your
Happy birthday that you are not
Old enough to drink and
Drive because I might miss
You if that were to happen
Because you're my pal.

So, singing to another tune
While you anticipate the month of
June where your chimney
Sticks around when there's
Nobody else because you
Kicked me out and gave me the
Blame to take with me on an 18-hour
Airplane flight to bury this
Once and for all but that's how
Grudges get started with haunted
Houses and broken necks and
Drowning cats and children left to
Finish the job and you know exactly
How I feel about that.

Maybe, someday we can go to
That diner I like when there's
Snow littering the ground like the
Dandruff of fae and we can
Get pancakes at two in the
Morning and we can always
Pretend that it is the day we first
Met so I could punch you in the
Face and you'd still think it was
Cute and your girlfriend can
Wonder where and who that new
Bruise came from.

Now, I'll ride off like a pony,
En pointe and graceful like a
Phony and maybe you'll write to
Me on your phone when that
Growth on your neck falls
Off because you'll be much more
Pleasant to talk to like
That and besides, I'm tired of
Waiting for a hello that will not
Come to me so I'm going to take
Initiative and end this now and
Maybe we can talk sometime like
Tomorrow but I really
Need to go lose touch with all
Reality again by seeing four and
Hearing three and maybe if I take
Two, I'll feel all better in the
Morning, love.





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