The Perfect Body, Distorted

August 30, 2012
By Anonymous

I can‘t see my reflection clearly in the mirror before I stand.
It is there, of course, but my perception is blurry and so it passes through my brain like a mere glimpse only of who I was before.

I am not me anymore.

And although I should know this, I refuse to believe it. I tell myself over and over again that I’m fine when I’m not. The meaning of beauty has become unknown to me-forgotten. I don’t know what or who to believe anymore. I can’t trust the media, my parents, not even myself.

This is the new me. I am like dust, slipping away in the wind. I feel as though if one person did so much as to touch me, I’d disappear. I’m lost. I’m scared. And somehow I don’t care. Because the voice inside me tells me this is normal. That if I want to control my surroundings and my feelings I have to do this. I’m reaching for perfection.

My stomach rumbles, but the emptiness it feels gives the voice in my head so much satisfaction, that I leave it be. My brain feels lightweight and when I walk I feel faint but I keep going. I’m going after the unrealistic goal I have set for myself: to be super thin. I try to be smaller and smaller but it never feels like it’s enough. So I keep on going. And going. Meanwhile, my life passes me by.

I don’t like this. But I don’t want to go back, either. I’m too scared to do that. I want to feel in control, when really I’m hiding from everything-my feelings, the guilt, the insecurity.
And really,(although I don’t realize it yet) there is still something or rather someone who’s unconsciously being controlled here.

Me.

I have given it all up-my friends, my family, my health, my grades, my faith-all for this.

And as I stand here looking at my tiny, sickly, bony body, I ask you the question: Is it worth it?


The author's comments:
Hey,everyone.This is a free-verse poem that I wrote about someone going through an eating disorder.I have personally been through it myself and know all about the fears and motives associated with it so I hope that maybe other girls can relate. I know how awful of a disease it is and it's sometimes hard to really understand why a person would want to go through all that trouble to be skinny. Well, I'm not sure if this is any good or will help anybody understand better or help people feel more comforted who are experiencing the disorder but I know it helped me cope with recovering and venting out my feelings on the topic (I'm much better now, btw). Anyway, I hope that the poem is helpful and that you guys like it. :)

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on Sep. 3 2012 at 9:19 pm
ImeldaBlackheart BRONZE, Edmond, Oklahoma
3 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it. - Anais Nin

This was really good! It relates the feelings of a person with an eating disorder beautifully: keep up the good work!


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