My Life's Only Fate

November 28, 2011
I dwell in a house bigger than most.
I live in a neighborhood nicer than some.
I stand in a country so grand and so great.
I drift on a planet lush green and dark blue.
I spin in a galaxy surrounded by stars.
i shrink in a universe compared to just earth.
I feel i'm an alien in this popular world.
I wonder what's out there in the vast open space.
I think is this it?
my life's only fate?

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Zinaidia said...
Jan. 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm
So you asked for some constructive criticism, so here you go :) The first line, great job using "dwell" instead of "living", it makes the poem more enticing. Second line, great job as well. Third line, writing "so grand and so great" does not flow too well, and takes away from the poem. Otherwise good. Fourth line, again does not flow too well. Maybe add punctuation marks. Fifth line, great job! It is clear and memorable. Sixth line, you need to capitalize the "i". Try switching earth an... (more »)
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