All I do is think. And when I think, I really, really think. I think about how much I hate living here. I think about how my dad has gone insane. I think about how there are so many times when everything is just grey and I feel hopeless and alone and that nothing will get better. There are also times when I feel alive and free and invincible, but that's rare. I think about my boyfriend, and how much I adore him. I really do. Everything about him makes me crazy, from the sound of his breathing to the blueness of his eyes. He's wonderful. That's when I really start to beat myself up with my thoughts. I start telling myself that he could do better, that I'm not his type, that there are other better, prettier girls that have talent and passion and character. Then I start to realize that I am nothing. I haven't found my personality yet, I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't exist. All I know about myself is that I'm shy and that I think a lot and that I'm not very friendly. All bad traits. I long to be someone else; someone who's kind to her friends and someone who my boyfriend and family deserve. I know I'm a teenager and I know this feeling will pass, it always does. For now though, I am alone and sad and empty. I am nothing.
Super Original Depressing Thoughts
June 30, 2011