I have a swimsuit tan
and my left heel stays on by superglue
I accidentally glued my little toe, too

My dad is a woman
and forgot to shave his legs
after passing out in the motel last night
I want him to have lipstick on his tooth

I think I have the rickets
because I never ate grapefruit as a child
it’s genetic;
our kids will be too short
to ever ride the Cyclone

My dress split down the back, just like that!
I swear your nephew Georgie swallowed the rings
at the rehearsal last week

The mailman lost out invitations;
I’m sure no one will come

The priest became an atheist,
they used olive-oil in the cake
and Spike bit the heads odd of our figurine
before peeing on my bouquet

My real name is Theodora Trickle
I used to weigh 700 pounds
my nose is fake
I’m actually 53

Did I forget to book the church
and the bartenders for the reception?
We’ll have a milk and carrot reception
in Bill’s backyard

I’m going blind, you know
I have 13 hereditary diseases-
that I know of
I laugh far too loud in public
and cry at every movie
and never believe myself
and I love you, love you, love you

But I’m allergic to weddings.