August 22, 2009
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lingers on
while the
rest of
the world
gives in,
at the
of your
not yet,
give up,
pick your
and fly...

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gogreen1 said...
Jun. 13, 2011 at 11:22 am
Wow!!!!! Really good. At the end, like the comments below said, I would have changed it to your second option that you posted. That sounded a little better. I had to re-read the last few lines because my brain automatically inserted the word "up" after "pick", so what I actually read was "pick up your broken pieces up" and that confused me. Then I realized there was no first up xP But otherwise, excellent! :D
qwerty42 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 19, 2011 at 6:53 am
Thanks! Sometimes I wish I could go back and change it, but then I think about why I called the poem Broken, and it reminds me that it's supposed to sound a shaken up, a little broken up. But because you've both said this, it makes me wonder if I should've just left it! XD
chocolaterevolver said...
May 29, 2010 at 10:36 pm
I really like how you made a poem about something broken, and the made the poem itself broken. I also like how you didn't make the sylables repetitive, but are all different, like how shards of broken glass would be. I see how you mean spread your wings and fly, at the end of the poem, but i feel like it would have more of an impact at the end if you left it broken pieces. Good poem though!
qwerty42 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 31, 2010 at 5:57 pm

origionally, it was:

pick up

your broken

pieces and


But i changed it, i don't remember why i did...maybe it seemed better that way. but now that you said that, i almost wish that i hadn't put the part about flying in! but it just seemed incomplete without the last few words, like the cadence was weird without it.

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