Me

June 8, 2009
By
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You ask me to write about myself,
bare my soul with you as my witness,
be truthful to who I am, true to my thoughts and feelings…
Open up. It’s easy right?
I see people day in and day out
opening the pages of their books to be read, and holding their hearts high for all to see.

But..

I’m not sure if I can. You see… I’m a master of disguise.
The mask I wear to shield and avoid unwanted emotions is pretty opaque to those outside. Most can’t see behind..
But to those who are close the mask is transparent.
I’m not an open book. My pages weren’t meant to be read by many. Several have skimmed but I am overlooked and that’s alright.
Who I am and what I see and what I feel;
The question still persists. Can I be honest with myself?
And honest to you…
Who am I?
Who is me?
Who is you?
Who is she?
Tough question- is there a right or wrong answer?
Maybe. Maybe the right answer is the truth.
What if I can’t see the truth? What if I don’t want to?
I’m getting better as the years go on but these walls are not knocked down to all. Slowly I’ll let you see.
We’ll see.

Who am I.
Who I am is not what I do. I am not a singer because I sing.
I am not an actress because I act. I learn but I’m no student.
I follow but I’m no follower.
I am hope. I am fear.
I am confidence.
And I am change.
Optimism runs through my veins, while reality has bled through.
What were once secrets to my naïve ears are becoming clear,
But I was happy being naïve.
No. That’s a lie. I wasn’t happy in my youth.
Only now am I starting to see the light of true happiness,
the peace and release of understanding and the relief of acceptance.

I am impulsivity, life, and longing,
imperfection, need, fire and confusion.
Love.
Passion.
Desire.
I am.

I’m in love- the kind of love that doesn’t come around very often.
I’m in love with life, and I’m in love with living.
I’m in love with the feeling.
I’m in love with him.
I never thought true love could exist.
I never thought I could feel the way I do now. He stepped right in, my knight in shining armor. I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t aware.
Didn’t want the complications that come along with a relationship,
But here it is.
He proved me wrong and I found true love.
Now I’ll watch as I hear the eyes roll of those who hear my claim to love, my claim that I’ve found my soul mate.
I don’t go around boasting this information, but I don’t hide it.
Go ahead. Most of them will scoff,
After all I am just a silly seventeen year old who doesn’t know what love is, right?
They can say what they want. Tell me I’m going to find
Someone else once I go off to school,
Tell me this promise means nothing.
Tell me it’s cute but I’m young and someday I’ll learn.
Tell me.
I’ll never stop dreaming so why try and stop me?
Tell me what they want but fate is stronger than opinion.
I know. That’s it. I do.

I’m not a silly seventeen year old.
My mind is beyond my years because of my mom.
She crafted me into who I am today and the maturity she instilled in me is a curse and a blessing all in one.
A curse because I find it hard to connect with people my age.
A blessing because of the understanding it brings.

I used to disappear and sometimes I still do.
It’s my defense- my protection from the inevitable hurt.
I can’t help it.
It just happens and then I’m gone. Watch and my eyes will glaze over,
Expression flees from my face.
An emptiness sinks in,
And darkness fills the void in this vacant shell.
When I’m gone just let me be.
There’s no getting to me.
I’m cold and locked at this point. I’m completely shut off.
But I’ll come back around. I promise.
It doesn’t usually take very long,
Soon I’ll see what I’m doing.
I’ll cool down alright? I’ll handle it. But I’ve hurt people I love
Because of this… when I disappear.

Who am I, who am I, who am I.
Such a seemingly simple question but does one really figure out who
They are? I used to have faith.
I used to think all my questions would someday be answered,
But one answer leads to two more questions.
My faith sits dwindling in the background. It’s slowly dying but it’s at a cross road.
It can choose to fight, come back, find strength, and try again.
But it’s not sure it really wants to fight. It can chose to die.
Disappear. Leave me. But does it want to? It’s not ready to die,
But it doesn’t want to see another day.

The quest to truth of my being is never ending.
I learn more with every passing day.
The unknown sits waiting to be discovered
And maybe someday I’ll find it.
But life isn’t about answers.
It’s not about one big search.
It doesn’t have a resolution and there are no rules.
Life is what I make of it.
I am what I make of me.





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Blue-eyed_Hippy-chick said...
Jun. 23, 2009 at 6:49 pm
strange. But in a good way. It makes you think. I am just now brave enough to post one of mine. Please read it. If you get a chance
 
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