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wanting to believe

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Going to church every Sunday, listening to the priest share stories, reading endless excerpts from the bible, and basically telling me what to believe in. Until, recently, I began questioning my faith in the religion. It all started when a thought forced its way into my mind: If I die, will my consciousness cease to exist? Will my soul enter an afterlife? I wanted to keep my faith in religion, so I decided to look up stories regarding religion.


However, during my research I found more doubt than faith. Some scientists argue that during the time that Jesus Christ supposedly walked on water, the temperature was cold enough to freeze the water and create a thin sheet of ice. From a distance it would appear that Jesus actually could walk on water. Another example would be the story of Adam and Eve. How can only two people populate an entire species? Could i have been believing in these lies my whole life? I felt terrible. Words couldn't express my emotions. I put all my faith into these stories/religion, only to find out they were nothing but myths! I was at a loss of words.


To add on to my sudden loss of faith, while I was engaging in this internal battle, I came across stories about God. During one of my encounters with a story I read a fragment that startled me. According to Deutronomy 21:18-12, God commanded that whenever a child disobeyed his parents, that his punishment was to be stoned. How could a kind, loving, caring god allow this monstrosity? This shook me deeply. God was supposed to care for people and aid them at their lowest. The more I thought of this injustice, the more I thought of the evils in the world. If god had the capability to create peace on Earth, why didn’t he? A quote that perfectly represented my position was one by Epicurus “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able to? Then he is omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him god?”



Yet despite my uncertainty, on whether God actually exists and if he even does represent peace, I still want to believe that there is a kind God that will allow me to enter his heavenly kingdom where everything is perfect and all my worries will be erased. Although I still may have my doubts, I still want to believe.





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sallywally said...
Nov. 10, 2012 at 12:16 pm
honestly i think many people can relate to this. you make me feel like im no longer the only one who thinks this. im tryly appreciative of this essay Thanks
 
BraidRunner said...
Oct. 26, 2012 at 8:24 pm
I really like this article, because i think a lot of people feel this way. I know that I really did. People will never be able to solidly prove that there is a God, which is why all we can do is accept the fact sand believe. the question of why a loving God would let horrible things happen is really hard, but if you read the Bible, it says he created people with free will. He didn't just want to force them to be perfect, he wanted them to be able to do the right thing or the worng thing, but... (more »)
 
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