All Athiests Go to Heaven

October 10, 2010
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As an atheist, people are always trying to save my soul from the burning pits of Hell by attempting to convert me to whatever religion it is that they follow. Usually, I ignore them. I have a better chance than them at getting into Heaven (or its equivalent) anyway. In fact, I have the second highest chance of getting into a blissful after-life-world compared to all other existing religions. Agnostics are even luckier than me, what with their odds.
After thinking on it, I came to the conclusion that even if a supreme being (or beings) exists, I have no way of knowing whether he (she, it..) is God, Krishna, or even Pikkiwokki, mud god extraordinaire . Hell, I’m not even sure if the existing deity has been discovered by man. In a perfect world, whatever deity that exists is benevolent and all merciful, and admits peoples of all religions into the pearly white gates of heaven. However, I’ve found that nobody’s perfect, and whoever created nobody isn’t going to be perfect either.

Not knowing if a god exists, or which god could be The God, I’m trending on the cautious side. Because, frankly, if I was an all-powerful deity, especially one that is no longer worshipped, like Isis, I would be extremely irritated by now, what with everyone having thrown aside my existence and classified me as mythological folklore. Even if people did worship me (I’m now a small African tribal god) what with the majority of the world praying to other deities I’m still be in an extremely bad mood (with a temper to match.)

To clarify, think of religion as a theoretical war between all existing beliefs as well as beliefs yet to come. Atheists and agnostics are classified as neutral and, hopefully, by allying ourselves with no one, the supreme being(s) will be more accepting of us impartial humans and let us into Heaven/Nirvana/etc. This deity may also be perfectly welcoming to all other faiths, whether you’re Christian or Jewish or Buddhist. Or maybe it’ll just be irritated by the fact that you chose to worship some nonexistent rival god you humans created and toss you in to the pits of Hell/Hades for you and your fellow’s stupidity.
If God exists, and he’s as merciful as I’ve been told, I’m sure he’ll forgive me for thinking the whole religious matter through and airing on the side of caution. If it’s Allah that’s up there, at least I’ll have all those nice Buddhists and Hindus to keep me company in hell. If reincarnations the key, I’m happy to have a second chance at working my way up the existence ladder.
To sum it up, even though promises of everlasting bliss are music to my ears, the pits of Hades beckon to me just as equally. And no matter which way you spin it, this is a war of theologies, and to save my afterlife equivalent of skin, I’m just going to stay out of this battle of beliefs. (I’ll see you again when we reach Nirvana.)

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This article has 10 comments. Post your own now!

ALM007 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 7, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Why arent we still evolving then? I dont mean mutations either. I´d like to know the book you get your facts from. Evolutionism is just a theory. The missing link hasn´t even been found. At least Creationsim has complete evidence. You simply choose to ignore it and not believe it. And evolutions states that animals evolve and spread out onto land little by little, right? Well if life started on Galapagos Islands as your guru, Darwin states, then birds would never reach land. Evolutio... (more »)
Mtizzle replied...
Feb. 24, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Evolution takes many many thousands upon hundred tousands of years to occur sooooooooo we are kinda still evolving a bit but i like your written work ALMMO7
onegirlandapen This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 27, 2013 at 10:43 pm
Okay, then if we are still evolving, why has no one ever seen an inbetween life form?
4vryung said...
Oct. 29, 2010 at 10:58 am
To me it sounds like you are undecided about you religion becuase you say your Athiest but that you will go to heaven.  Your contradicting yourself because if you're Athiest then you don't believe in heaven.
Rachel. replied...
Oct. 29, 2010 at 4:58 pm
I don't think I'm contradicting myself. I don't believe in heaven, but if it did exist, I do believe I'd end up there; which was the point I was trying to make.
Kelz1141 replied...
Nov. 10, 2010 at 11:33 am
Technicly, Atheist don't believe in God. I'm sure there are a few Athesits out there that belive in heaven.
Kelz1141 said...
Oct. 22, 2010 at 11:39 am
I like your views, Nice Work!
SydneyCynical said...
Oct. 21, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Coming from another Atheist, I think this is very well said. 
ALM007 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 20, 2010 at 9:16 pm

how do you explain creation?

if we evolved from monkeys why aren't we still evolving? not technologically with ipod and hybrid cars, i'm talking 12 fingers and 3 noses?

how do you explain being here?

do you believe there is no beginning and no end?

do you believe in sceince and hard facts? the third law of thermodynamics states that all things wind down, therefore life and the universe isn't a continous cycle, life beings and it ends. the only truth is God

G... (more »)

ratkinzluver33 replied...
Jan. 6, 2011 at 11:01 am
First of all, monkeys didn't just go POOF we're humans now! It took millions of years for them to slowly develop into humans. If you look at books about this you can see that there were many different species of hominidae. Some examples are Monkeys, H. Sapiens, H. neanderthalensis, H. Sapiens Sapiens... etc. etc.! Knowing this I can also tell you it will take millions of years for us to develop into a more advanced species. In recent books it actually says that a small percentage of humans ... (more »)
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