Hashta Glike’s Top 13 Most Useful Smartphone Apps of 2013

July 13, 2013
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Wake’n’Bacon: Mmmmm! Wake up to the warm smell of meat. At 6AM, this app automatically sputters yummy bits of bacon at your face. If you try to snooze, it’ll shove bacon down your throat. As seen on Kijiji, The Onion, Uncyclopedia, and Fox News
Laser-Precise Fruit by the Foot Ruler: Not sure if your fruit rollup is exactly 30.0cm? Measure it with super-accurate nanometer technology.
Remember, if the product you purchased is not exactly as advertised, you have every right to sue the company for the grief they’ve caused your family.
$0 Headaches: Need an excuse to get out of the office? Just rub your forehead against your phone’s electroplastic screen, and it’ll give you a free headache!
School Skipper: Bored in class? Want to run away from French grammar? All you need to do is scroll down our menu and choose an illness you want. Our favourites include: zombification, hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (fear of long words), 2+2=5 Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Tetris Addiction, and bubonic plague.
Anti-antidaephobia: Statistics show that 7 times out of 10, somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you. This app checks whether you are being watched by a duck.
Special Psychological Aid for Persons with Indecision Issues: This tool will flip a random coin and pick yes or no for you. Helps solve life-altering dilemmas.
Poutine Locator Radar Detector: Locates the nearest location where you can find someone to detect the closest person you could ask where to find poutine.
Windowpain: Angry at an employee? Is he arguing with you? Text his name to us, and we’ll immediately send over a thug squad to throw him out the window.
GPA Lowerer: It is a truth universally acknowledged that every nerdy kid in possession of a good GPA must be in want of a life. Are your students at your over-Asian represented high school overly obsessed about their grades? Are they too school for cool? All you need to do is to adjust a knob, and we’ll lower their marks for you.
Super Blanket Protector PRO: Does the roommate you sleep with always steal your blanket? We understand exactly how you feel. Be afraid, dear Ophelia! Don’t let that cunning weasel, that wretched villain – O! What a disgusting John! O devilish Tarquin – take advantage of your fairest kindness. Use this sacred relic to keep guard against that slimy worm by ringing a 150dB alarm every time someone tries to steal your pillow or bed sheets. 100% satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.
McKinsey & Co.’s Advanced Management System for Boyfriends with OAGs (Overly Attached Girlfriends): Only 1.2 GB in size, this short story eBook tells the following heart-wrenching tale: Once upon a time, there was a teenage girl named Katy, and she had a boyfriend named Jack. Jack was very nice to her and she loved every part of him except one thing. He smoked and drank a lot. Katy was very worried about her drug-addicted alcoholic boyfriend, so she always warned him that if he didn’t stop these negative habits, he could face serious health issues by the time he’s forty. Two years after they first met, tragedy struck. Katy died of lung cancer. To this day, Jack has mourned for Katy every morning and every night. He is now 119 years old and enjoys a shot of Siberian vodka with six packs of fresh cigarettes every meal. He says that whenever he thinks of his girlfriend, he cries because he feels sorry for her. If only he managed to persuade her into smoking and drinking, she wouldn’t have died so early. The End.
Political Dependability Insurance: Who wants to be a revolutionary leader? President Barack Obama saved the American health care industry and transformed a capitalist warzone into a communist haven. Do you want to know how he did it? Learn how to deliver reliable assurances. We’ll teach you how to act like a professional politician everyone knows and trusts. With this handy collection of rhetorical catchphrases, win the vote of anyone, anytime, and anywhere. From higher taxes to more troops sent to Afghanistan, we have the longest list of believable promises that will convince even the shrewdest cynic! Quit your job and become a politician. Check it out while supplies last.
Limited Liability Statement: The producers of this app are not responsible for any reputational damage or personal injury caused to the user directly and/or indirectly.

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