An Offspring's Guide to Classifying Your Parental Species

December 7, 2012
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Have you ever wanted to look out the window and be able to understand the ways of the elderly?* Or at least just your parental caretakers strange, twisted, ways? Well then you’ve picked up the right guide. Use this to identify the main groups of parents on your trip! Farewell! Or as the parents say: “don’t forget to pack a toothbrush!”
Low-Maintenance Parents
If you have this species, you are blessed with a gift from heaven above. Parents under this group are laid back, not too clingy, but still care about you. You probably have a relatively stress-free time maintaining the social status of your parents.
If your parental unit is a workaholic, you probably don’t have an incredibly hard time managing the embarrassing factor, but they may push you extremely hard in school. Or, they could be a strong opposite and not care about anything you do and be too “busy” to take you anywhere. These parents come in to extremes: the uptight, boring parent or the overworked, go-make-your-own-dinner-and-leave-me-alone parent. Both aren’t the most pleasant.
Oversensitive Over-caring Parents
“Dear honey, I hope you’ve had an amazing day at school so far! Mommy packed you some yummy cookies and a PB&J. ?? xoxo love U lots.” You would probably appreciate this note… if you were in kindergarten. If the previous note sounds like something your parent would write, brace yourself for a wild *but safely padded with a helmet, wrist guards and knee pads* ride. Your parents grip your youth with every last breath. You will send them into cardiac arrest if you even mention a peep about dating, driving, new responsibilities, or anything that doesn’t involve their strict supervision. They see you as the starry-eyed, naïve little five-year-old that you were, er, around ten years ago. You will have to let them down slowly that their little baby is growing up too fast, and even though it hurts, it probably hurts less than those piggyback rides up a flight of steep stairs. To maintain, you must be a very experienced parent-trainer. The process is painstakingly hard, but you must kindly silence their “soft” ways.
Time Bomb
You have a tornado of parental destruction. And that is not a figure of speech, believe me. Your parent may seem “normal”, or “nice” around your friends, but remember they are silently plotting an evil revenge. One your friends turn their back they turn into the Hitler of all parental species, and your house suddenly becomes a concentration camp. Be prepared for anger spasms, swearing, hitting, throwing things, breaking things, unreasonably cruel threats, actually doing the unreasonably cruel threats, and enslaving labor too hard for the human body to accomplish. And they also decide to pick on you. I mean in-school-suspension-level verbal abuse. But the minute your friends open the bathroom door; they suddenly become sweet, and the glass she angrily smashed on the floor suddenly becomes “oops, I guess my kid has butterfingers today.”
All Around Embarrassment
Picture this: you’re at a school dance and your mom has “lovingly” decided to chaperone the punch table. As soon as you go to walk your friend over to the table and get her a glass of punch, your mom not only says “Hi, son!” but also follows it up with a (terrible) whisper “Is she that girl you like?! She’s really pretty!!” and now you are a human tomato. If your parents like to bring up things like this, you’re cursed with this species. You have that parent who likes to say hi to that person you barely remember from elementary school! Or, be prepared for embarrassing chats about that guy you used to “have a thing for” with your friends… and they do know who it is. Brace yourself for your parents to call you “my sweet little honey bear” when they come to pick up something at school, and they may even use their best method of attack: the tacky lipstick smooch (this only applies to mothers, obviously.) These awkward conversational topics are what this deadly species of guardians feed off of. It takes high skill and talent to manage this parent. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

6.) The Socially Disconnected Parents

Your parents probably think Twitter is just an animal noise, Facebook is written in a foreign language… and Instagram? Don’t even get me started. They are probably still trying to figure out their flip phone (“how do you turn it on?!”) or tampering with the button-less iPhone, complaining about how everything is so small. They probably think streaming music means going to a creek and having a concert (“What happens if their equipment gets wet?”) Let’s face it. Your parents are probably getting over their old Nokia (“Why did my iPhone break?! I only dropped it 20 feet!”) and trying to figure out how to use the TV remote. They all blame this on the classic excuse: “We weren’t growing up with this so we don’t know!” They think this conclusion is ‘reasonable’, but I’ve seen enough little old ladies with iPads to disagree. And no, mom, LOL does not mean lots of love. Don’t say it at grandpa’s funeral.

Your parents could be a purebred of one of these species, or a mix. All I have to say, with over ten years of parental training experience is your units are all different. And parents hate loud music. Unless it’s from their generation. Then you may want to cover your ears. I wish you luck when identifying your parents.

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