Edward Cullen is a CRIME to vampirism!

January 13, 2013
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Stereotyping is one thing when used to describe humans, but a whole new planet when used to potentially even begin to imagine the mythically undead. Let’s talk, vampires, mainly ones that sparkle like diamonds and have hair that is brushed and brushed right through with a lot of hairspray. Apparently, vampires are required to tap into their feminine side. Yes, presenting the one and only Edward Cullen. The pale faced idiot, who thinks he’s one of the royal coven of vampires, when actually he doesn’t know the meaning of royal and acts like nothing more than a loser who can’t handle life’s backlash. Even when life says, bite me; he’s bolting out the country!

Now it’s Room 101’s turn to place a telepathic call to the “psychic” Alice, who always seems to breaks things when a vision hits home. She’ll then freak, and he’ll be maniacal and, defenceless. The wolf pack won’t come to his rescue, his coven will kick him out and his girlfriend will go running to the next hot undead thing walking. They know it’s true. They know how pathetic he is, they read through the pretence and well, his time on Earth is up really. I mean, he had the time to go through the stages in life probably about a million and three times and being 112, man, you’re getting old! So old that the wrinkles are starting to surface and where others see marble perfection, I see mirrors cracking.

You’re probably wondering, why I say CRIME to vampirism. Not just any old word, but specifically crime. Well, let’s face it; he sucks at being a bloodsucker! Vampires are supposed to be the epitome of evil, emperors of the night. They are feared, sometimes worshipped, but mainly hunted. But Edward, he’s like a kid at Halloween, who cuts out two eyeholes on a white sheet, drapes it over him and “scares people”. I’m mentally scarred. Not. Room 101 with one angry Jacob, round the clock sunlight and a couple zillion stakes nailed to every space for all eternity, in my opinion is a lenient punishment. The others are too dreadful, that even my blood curdles just at the hint of the memory.

Let’s think about all of the reasons Stephanie Meyer should have never given him life; he’s a wimp, he’s a loser, he’s a wimp, and he’s a loser… As you can see the list goes on and it would take my lifetime to get to the end of it. I don’t want to be stuck here that long, and neither do you. Besides, he stinks. You’re probably wondering how I know his secret. Let’s see. He’s dead. He eats raw meat and himself a veggie. He sparkles in the sun. Sun plus rotting flesh = stink! Voilà! Imagine the ton of Lynx cans he has to use to disguise his putrid odour. I wonder how Bella manages to get that close to him, without actually puking in his face. Pass the bucket, fellow fangsters!

Here’s a tricky question. Who here actually likes this stupid “vampire” as he calls himself? Really? Seriously? And I thought I was weird! Might I add that, if you look around and watch other films or even read books with much cooler vampires, you’ll see Edward for who he really is and then you’ll make him a banner with “FAKE” splashed across it, for his 113th birthday. Good luck with making it out of the forest alive. I’ve never really seen what the hype was about Twilight, when the books first came out, and being very inquisitive, I decided to find out. 2 weeks after many sleepless nights of flipping pages, to just say I’ve gotten through the ordeal, was an achievement in itself. I read the first 25 pages and the last 25, and the rest was forgotten, but that was torture. Don’t even suggest that I do it again. It still hurts. Hey, some sympathy here!

Finally, allow me to bust a myth. VAMPIRES ABSOLUTELY DON’T SPARKLE! They get really badly sunburnt, bad enough that their skin starts peeling and falling off or in some cases, it’s ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I think, Stephanie here, got mixed up with the fairy folk and dreamt up Tinkerbelle’s twin and wrongly thought him a vampire. Oh, and another thing, you can’t see a vampire when it hits supersonic speed, you can only trace blur. On camera, it’s virtually impossible to catch that too.

I bet everyone here has heard of Dracula, right? So now, I’d like you to make a small but very significant comparison between Ed who is dead and the Prince of Darkness. Who, in your opinion, takes the crown for Cool city? If anyone says, Edward Cullen, I’ll stake you. Myself. Bram Stoker is probably kicked out of his grave because the other spirits got fed up of his agonised screams. He’s now graveless. WHY? Ed’s existence is a criminal act. Confine him. Kill him if you must, just to make Bram rest in peace. Please. And in the meanwhile, just remember, if you’re roaming the streets at round about twilight and a vampire asks you on a date, just keep in mind it’s not a vegetarian and YOU are the main course!

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Macki- said...
Jan. 24, 2013 at 3:29 pm
The tale of Twilight is no different than the tale of Dracula. Yes, indeed the image of vampirism varies between the two peices of literature, but that is all they are, literature. Neither more sufficient or reliable or superior to the other. The tale of Dracula feeds into the traditional idea of what characteristics vampires typically have: Scary, dark, vicious, and remorseless. Twilight presents a different perspective on how to percieve vampires. Althought it is not in compliment of th... (more »)
falconskates411 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 25, 2013 at 2:13 pm
True, but it's just the world only sees Edward as the beacon of vampires that it sometimes does forget his evil brethern due to his hair and looks.
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