Couples Exposed

December 3, 2012
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“Relationships don’t always make sense. Especially from the outside.” Sarah Dessen, author of, Along for the Ride could not be any more accurate with her statement when it comes to deciphering the code to the padlock of couples. Day after day, we each pass by and are subjected to multiple couples at school, work, the grocery store, community park, and really anywhere one decides to walk and breathe. They can usually be spotted holding hands, locking lips, or simply displaying the disgusting view of the unwanted public groping. Either way, couples cannot be avoided but depending on the type you encounter, your eyes and your stomach may just luck out. You could possibly come across the couple who call each other “snuggle bug” and “sweetie pie” or you just might unfortunately run into the dreaded pair whose screams and sarcastic remarks can be heard from across the block. The evident fact is however, that all couples can effortlessly be placed into several categories and by surveying the diverse classifications, you will shockingly realize how many of these types you already come across on a regular basis.

Overly Cute Couple (O.C.C)
An O.C.C is probably one of the most common species we tend to observe, and they are the most irritating as well. Names such as “cuddle muffin” and “sweet pea” can be heard on a constant basis, growing that much more pathetic and idiotic by the second. Calling each other by
their first names is simply not enough, but making up ridiculously humorous nicknames is apparently the more sensible choice! With these unpleasant pet names also comes along the feared territory of baby talk. Now, it is already corrupt enough to listen to someone talk to a baby in that puzzlingly and senseless gibberish, but to converse with one’s significant other in such a fashion is plainly just wretched. Speaking as if they are two, instead of 22, clearly shows their intense intellectual side. How partners can communicate like this to one another and not laugh hysterically in each other’s faces, will never be distinguished and maybe never will be. What we do comprehend however, is that with pet names come baby talk, and with both come the deep desire to gag.

Kill Each Other Couple (K.E.O.C)
With a K.E.O.C, the name basically describes it all. This couple continually fights, screams, and occasionally throws each other’s possessions out the door or at one another, about every two hours or so. The question which always seems to arise in one’s mind when it comes to this outrageous pair is, “Why are they even together?” This question will forever and always be a mystery, one even Sherlock Homes himself would never have been able to solve. Extremely bothersome and persistent bickering over miniscule dilemmas is completely normal for a K.E.O.C. and also makes one wonder, “Why is that subject even worth fighting over?” Like do people really need to argue about each other’s exes, or what color shirt looks better? The answer to us is evidently no, but there is truthfully no convincing these peculiar, mental patients. Another attribute which helps shape the form of this unsightly couple always at war, is the occurrence of the weekly breakup. By weekly breakup, this duo truly does breakup on a weekly basis. It almost becomes a customary routine for the two, just like getting breakfast, going to school, doing homework, and then going to bed, a K.E.O.C follows the same plan week on and week off. The typical stages can be as followed:

1. The problem arises and anger sets in.

2.They fight for at least three hours until the people passing by are wondering if the police should be contacted.

3. In the midst of the fighting, someone yells, “It’s over!” and the couple is “officially” done.

4. Facebook statuses are changed to single, #’s saying #lovingthesinglelife and #freedom are posted, and the criticizing of one another to their friends, occurs.

5.A week or so goes by, and due to utter boredom or just some other reason no one will ever understand, the couple begins to chat again.

6.They decide to get back together despite all odds.

7. The senseless cycle begins all over again within the upcoming week.
Two people who endlessly fight and still return back to the one they “hate” clearly shows the profound love they feel for each other. What says and expresses love better than hate right?

Gross, Please Do That Somewhere Else Couple (G.P.D.T.S.E.C)
The foulest, most eye disturbing pair of animals one will always unfortunately see, is the beyond unsightly G.P.D.T.S.E.C. They can almost be described as one single person, since their bodies are always glued to each other due to their obsessive P.D.A. No boundaries, rules, personal respect or space is even taken into consideration with this nauseating pair of wild beasts and the end result leads to the poisoning of the public’s stomachs. Characteristically, the two are usually within the teenage age region, with their hormones clearly raging matching their obscene gestures. One can only dream of strolling by and spraying them with icy water like you would with two pugnacious cats or simply just bulldozing straight through them, forcing them to break away and actually breathe. The annoyance level of this category of couples clearly exceeds almost everyone’s limits and will continue to do so as long as this uncivilized couple remains.

Awkward Couple (A.C)
This fascinating and completely bizarre relationship is one that is definitely not normal, not lovely or cute, and has no chemistry within it whatsoever. A typical A.C is probably the most challenging to spot, in the sense that they can almost never be seen together! Now, most couples you see are at least together, talking or showing some kind of affection but this is not the case with A.C’s. This is due to the fact that just the mere action of talking gets both partners uncomfortable and embarrassed. One can only imagine what happens when, and even if, they hold hands or kiss! A worthy example to assist in picturing this couple is that of two sixth graders dating. Yes they have given the titles of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” to one another, but in all actuality they almost never speak, let alone visit each other outside of school. This very identical model goes for an awkward couple. No one knows exactly why these two are so shy and bashful toward each other, however we do recognize one saying that must clearly be their rule of thumb: Silence is golden!

Normal For The Most Part Couple (N.F.T.M.P.C)
The shiny, blonde, caramel appearance of the very polished, yet rare N.F.T.M.P.C is one sight that should be seen more often. Granted, up until now abnormal couples have been uncovered but there is such a pair that is actually fully functional and regular. Yes, it may be hard to believe and there may be few and far in between, but they do exist and set the respectable example to other duos who have clearly lost their way on the road of relationships. An N.F.T.M.P.C is affectionate but not overly loving and by this, meaning not all over each other every second of every day. They hang out with one another on a regular basis but allow the other to breathe a few days out of the week. Adorable nicknames are only used on occasion but never ever reach the limits of “snuggle-wuggle bear”. Fighting transpires, but only ever so often and most importantly the adoration for each other is visibly and undoubtedly shown between them every day. Few of these normal types of couples can be found around the world today, but yet again who is to judge what normal actually is anyway?

It is obviously as well as effortlessly revealed, that all relationships can neatly be sorted into one of five distinct categories. Whether we like it or not, numerous and diverse forms of these duos abide in society in which we live in. To others, there are various ways of displaying love whether it be fighting, diminutive affection, an overdose of affection, or any other way in which they so choose. The average couple is not always what is found, and because of that, innovative and sometimes horrific or peculiar discoveries can be made. Whether a couple decides to be revolting, too charming, uncanny, ordinary, or malicious, they have that right, as we have that same right to avoid any contact with them whatsoever.

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This article has 1 comment. Post your own now!

DarkEyes said...
Dec. 19, 2012 at 3:44 pm
Haha, this is great. I really loved the ever-so slightly cynical voice in this article. I can completely relate!
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