Satirical Piece: Descendants of Wolves

The world, as we know it, is in danger. Ladies and gentlemen, each and every person on this planet who owns a dog as a pet is in great danger. Just last year, 4.5 million people were bitten by a dog, many of them suffering severe injuries and a few cases resulting in death. In the United States, 77.8 million people own dogs as pets, and it is to you, dog owners, to which I write this humble proposal. Everyday that you let your dog live in your home, you give it another opportunity to attack. The fluffy slobbering menace living inside your home puts you in constant danger. The foolish act of adopting a dog needs to be put to an end, and dog ownership should furthermore be banned. All dogs bite, and all dogs will bite if given the chance.  If we want to keep ourselves and our children safe, dogs, regardless of their breed, must be banned.


In many places, most recently in Montreal, Canada, a large step towards the safety of the general public has been taken. The Canadian government has put into place a registry for all pit-bull owning persons. These people must register their dogs, keep them muzzled, or surrender them to be killed once the ban goes into place. Obviously, the clear solution is to euthanize the dogs, though the owners are tough and stubborn, unwilling to send their “precious” pets to their rightful end. These persons are clearly blinded by the dogs sometimes physically “cute” appearance. These dogs are only in waiting, ready to take advantage of the human weak point. Whether their victim be a man, woman, or child, the dog will not discriminate. While Canada may have the right idea, they are avoiding the real problem: all dogs. As descendants of the wolf, dogs are ferocious in nature. They have since evolved to trick their prey into bringing them into their homes, inviting the attack. Dogs have evolved to become cute, visually appealing creatures with soft fur and soulful eyes that bring about feelings of love and affection in their human owners. This evolution has only caused the danger to rise, as now the humans will expose themselves to the fierce animal on purpose, allowing their affection for the squishy beasts to take over and rid them of their common sense. I beg you, dog owners, think clearly. Look at your pets with clear eyes, and realize the danger you have put yourself in. If you will not believe these sincere and cautious words, then perhaps you will listen to the facts.


In 2016 alone, 100% of dog bites were done by dogs. If this harrowing fact does not phase you, then perhaps nothing will. People around the globe are increasingly at risk for these attacks, as they continue to let their eyes deceive them. A USA Today article written by Aamar Madhani detailed the blindness of today’s pet owners. The article shared that, “this year, South Dakota and Utah joined 17 other states in passing laws to prevent local governments passing "breed-specific legislation," or BSL, making it illegal for cities to pass bans targeting pit bulls or any other breed” (Madhani par 8). These nineteen total states are being deceived, and letting the precious looks of the beasts blind them to the danger. The leaders of these states are clearly foolish, and must have never been the victim of a rabid Golden Retriever or Labrador attack themselves. On NBC news, Katie Ferrell reported that in a council meeting “several residents commented...saying the problem is people, not [the dogs]” (Ferrell par 6). This statement is indeed half true. The problem is with the people, though the problem lies in the fact that they continue to put their trust in these animals. They believe them to be safe enough to let them sleep in their beds and to let them close to their children. Dogs, regardless of breed, are dangerous. Just a few years ago “In June 2013, Chrysler agreed to recall 2.7 million Jeeps because in 14 years there have been at least 37 Jeep accidents that caused at least 51 deaths” (Phillips). These cars were linked with fatal accidents, and were thus recalled for the safety of the general public. The same should go for dogs, their status as a living and breathing entity does not give them any special status or exemption for justice. There have been 4.5 million cases of dog bite injuries from all breeds of dogs, yet there is a suspicious lack of action against the ownership of a deadly animal. The topic has a clear solution, the community of dog lovers are simply too blind to see it. From the mighty Pug to the ferocious Chihuahua, all dogs are capable of doing harm. Their evolutionary progress will only continue to take more human victims unless they are dispatched.


It is clear the attachment a pet can bring about in its owner is purely deceit, and these naturally predatory animals are slowly making victims out of their human owners. It will not be easy, but if we wish to save the lives of ourselves, our friends, family, and our children, the goal is clear. Surrender your dog to the nearest kill shelter, call your state senator and share with them the harrowing knowledge you have received. Do not allow yourself to be cheated any longer. Do not allow yourself to be the next victim of a Chow Chow or Sharpei attack. These evolutionary masters, fluffy and precious beasts, must be stopped. Urge your state representatives to pass a dog ownership ban, and begin the process of weeding out the dangerous pets. It is human action that creates a dangerous situation, dogs become what they see. Do not be fooled any longer. Sentence your innocent dog to death today, create a “safer” tomorrow. 






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