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English Students: Beware The Thesis This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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   What is a thesis? What is it good for? Why do I need one? And why can't I borrow yours? For years, these pressing questions have left us baffled. Generations of English teachers have sung the virtues of the thesis, sending generations of confused students to find one for themselves. After conducting extensive research, I have found the answer to the thesis dilemma and the salvation for English students everywhere. The truth is: the thesis is a useless part of modern society.

You and I have been deceived into believing that a thesis is a necessary part of our everyday life. This just isn't true. You cannot eat a thesis or seek shelter in a thesis. Nowhere on your body can you wear one. Many people without a thesis live normal, healthy and productive lives.

In fact, theses owners have very few advantages over the common populace. The owners remain susceptible to acne, heartburn, and certain diseases. A few of them are even maladjusted to society. For all you know, the drunk on the side of the road may have a thesis.

If you still think a thesis is a luxury, just try to get rid of one. It's next to impossible, due to the basic economic principles of supply and demand. Think about it. Even in severe depressions, millions of theses float around everywhere. Have you ever heard anybody bemoan the tragic scarcity of theses? Thieves throughout history have stolen money, gold, and jewels, and left precious thesis statements lying around.

Theses not only are worthless commodities; they also have little to no sentimental value. It's no wonder - you can't hug a thesis or take it for a walk. A thesis makes a poor companion all around. In fact, ninety-five percent of local students surveyed report never bonding emotionally with their thesis (five percent who did are maladjusted to society).

So, stop wasting your precious time. Your English teacher makes you search for a thesis merely to avenge his/her past; s/he too, was once tricked into thesis hunting. Now that you know better, let the public know the truth about the thesis: nobody needs one and nobody really wants one. If only we take a stand, our days of thesis domination could soon be over. n


This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






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