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If I kissed you...

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Author's note: Writing is my passion. If I don't write daily, I feel like my day is incomplete. I wrote this to...  Show full author's note »
Author's note: Writing is my passion. If I don't write daily, I feel like my day is incomplete. I wrote this to showcase where I am currently at, regarding talent in writing. Currently I have at least five other books I've started on which have the same amount of dedication and talent. When I manage to get a publisher I'll publish them as well when they are finished. This is the first big piece I've put out there that I feel truly shows where I am at in my writing. If you like it, keep in mind this is only part 1, and part 2 is in the works. Any good and constructive feedback is more than welcome. The more feedback I get, the more I will consider there being a part three.  « Hide author's note
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 22 Next »

Illusions of Reality

Pop! I awoke, gasping-he was here-he was here! I stumbled on my knees, looking around a boulder. I saw a small pebble on the dusty surface of the large rock. Someone was throwing rocks at me. I looked into the emptiness of the desert, and saw a figure in the distance. It was dragging a person and walking towards me, long legs sauntering. I stumbled down the rocks and started running the opposite direction.

“Right here baby! I got him!”
I halted in my sprint and gasped in relief and shock, “John!” I turned back to the sound of his voice. It must be John dragging Jen! Why would he be dragging the killer after all. Jen must be alive! I ran around the boulders towards him.
“I'm here baby, I got him!” he yelled again.
I stumbled and slowed. It sounded more like he was wailing out the words. I strained to see his figure. I was within thirty feet now and I walked slowly trying to get my sight in focus. Something didn't sound right in his voice. “You need to come to me!”
“Honey, are you hurt?!”
He stopped walking immediately. Stone cold. He looked taller than I remembered, but maybe it was the night shadows. I still couldn't see the details of his body. But I did see his free hand holding something.
“-I got-” he wailed, then collapsed.
“JOHN!” I ran full-speed to him, and reached him in seconds.
It wasn't John. His hair was short stubble and red. It was the killer, and John was who he was dragging. In his free hand was a tape recorder. I screamed, jerking my body back, trying to double back to run, but his hands clasped hard around my ankle and he tore me back to him as my body writhed in the sand and brush, twisting like a strangled cat, trying to get away. He managed to drag me, inch by screaming inch to him, his determined face was breathing hard from the exertion as he finally raised a rock and brought it down to the side of my head.

“Ain't nothin' sweeter than those Georgia peaches!” Jen and I sang, dancing to the tune. Maleah was dozing off in the passenger seat.
We were off on our way to the Mojave desert, the convertible top rolled down, dancing on top of the car seats, wind blowing in our hair refreshing us, as we drank and sang; moving our hips, flipping our hair, and twisting our torsos in dance. John was at the wheel, stealing a look back at us when he couldn't resist.
“Georgia Peaches!” Jen sang the last part as I wriggled my butt this way and that. We both laughed hysterically. Hunched up in my hysterics was when I saw the large, beat up, black car behind us.
“Hahh, you think he's having some fun watchin' us?” I exclaimed.
“Hell yeah!” yelled Jen as she started dancing to the next tune. I looked uncomfortably for a moment at the car behind us, wondering whose eyes were watching behind the tinted window. But then Jen started singing lines at me and I sang some back at her, forgetting the guy and dancing to the next tune. My hair was getting blown everywhere.

“Ah!” I awoke to chains clinking in a chorus against the shed's wall.
Light streamed into the shack, the heavy doors had been kicked open with enough force to slam against their accompanying walls. An icy blade of horror swept through me as I realized I was on his bed, one of my wrists tied to the frame in the farthest corner which was pinned against the wall. I scrambled to the corner and brought my knees up to shield from any attack.
He came in after I had positioned myself in the corner of the bed against the wood planks holding the tiny room together. As if he were biding his time. As he walked in he grinned an awkward smile at me.
“Where's John?”
His smile left, a barrenness in his eyes much like the desert, washed over his face instantly. Silent still, he turned his back to me and slung a bloody hand towel over the chair Maleah had been sitting on. From the window behind it I could see the other shed.
I swallowed my horror. “...I know Maleah is dead. Will you please tell me if John is too?”
He turned his head barely looking my way, the profile of his chiseled face showing off his prominent nose. “No.” he quietly answered. It was obvious the 'no' meant he wouldn't tell me.
I was about to ask him if he would not give me any relief, when I realized he could take that the wrong way and I held my words back just in time.
He cleared his throat, and walked over to the rustic dresser by the nightstand, I tucked my legs to me further cringing away from him as he pulled out an old ratty work towel and wiped dirt and sweat off his face. He then proceeded to wipe blood off his hands. Some of it was too stained to be wiped away without water. He ignored the bits that wouldn't wipe away, setting down the cloth and fingering some of the hunting knives he had lined up in a row on top of the dresser. His eyes looked up from them at me. There was silence as we looked at each other; cold, blue eyes against his penetrating gray, we both seemed to know what the other was thinking and I seemed to actually see him-something in his eyes for the first time, that was not masked over. Something bare and laid to judgment before me, if only for one moment in time. He was the first to break the gaze, and looked away, dropping the hilt of the knife back to it's place as he turned his back to me.
I decided he might actually tell me something now. I didn't dare mention John, but I hadn't seen Jen's body.
“If you won't answer me whether John is dead,” my voice broke the silence, unwelcome and tense. “Would you tell me...is Jen dead?”
“Yes.” he answered curtly, as he grabbed the towel off the dresser and stalked out.
Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 22 Next »


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This book has 125 comments. Post your own!

Angel_In_Disguise said...
Apr. 12, 2012 at 6:44 am:
This was really really good. There was one part that really confused me though. It was when John and the main girl were fighting their captor. The way your main character was talking, I couldn't tell if she was attacking John or their captor. Other than that I absolutely LOVED it!
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm :
Oh yeah-I can see at first how it might be a little confusing, but then it says she wraps her arm around the killer's neck, so I'm not too concerned. But I do know that I should edit this first part because it also says that John's body is 'teenage' and lank-but he's actually in his twenties-oopsies, lol. 
 
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BringMeTheHorizon018 said...
Apr. 11, 2012 at 3:45 am:
I loved reading this, amazing work! It was very well written and I couldn't stop reading it, great job!
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 11, 2012 at 5:43 pm :
Thank you! :-)
 
SweetSandyFlower replied...
Apr. 12, 2012 at 2:30 am :
love this work. very good.
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 12, 2012 at 2:38 am :
Oh you commented! Thank you! :-)
 
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ppl-hate-my-comments said...
Apr. 10, 2012 at 7:39 am:

I agree with the part about the plot. I got a bit confused with several parts in the story. Like the dancing? When did they ever dance in the car? And it'd be sooo much better if you could elaborate the part where the teens get caught by Raiden. The plot's pretty loose, as a whole. You've got great potential over there though. 

But I love love love the bit where you suggest that Raiden could be the girl's brother. :)

 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 10, 2012 at 6:43 pm :

Oh good-that part of about them possibly being related was something I'd been wondering about. I was worried I had made the plot too twisted, but I'm glad you liked it. That was a flashback-with them dancing in the car on their way to their destination across the Nevada desert-and I know the flashbacks can be confusing for some people. As for the moment they got caught, I thought I'd include it as another flashback at a crucial moment in the character's (Kim's) survival to make it more intens... (more »)

 
sherrinford This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 11, 2012 at 6:31 am :

Here's the link. It just came up.

http://www.teenink.com/novels/sci_fi_fantasy/book/93758/Two-of-a-Kind/

 
ppl-hate-my-comments replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 8:02 am :
Thanks for offering! I just recently became a member and my book's called Two of a Kind. It's written by Sherrinford H.
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:13 pm :
No problem-I'll go looking for it right now :)
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:26 pm :
I found a fiction article called 'Two of a kind' but not written by Sherrinford H., just give me your current screen name on here and I can find it in a flash to rate/comment for you, okay? :-)
 
sherrinford This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 8:17 pm :
Here I am! 
 
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Allicat001 said...
Apr. 9, 2012 at 3:05 pm:
Flawless.  That's the only word I've got for it.  This was really well written and the suspense was perfect.  I was slightly confused at first when you flashed back, but otherwise this was really good and I will continue reading! 5/5
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm :
Thank you so much! I'll return the favor and comment on your prologue :-)
 
KateLA replied...
May 25, 2012 at 2:18 am :
Hi! I don't know if you're interested. but just in case I thought I'd tell you that the story is complete.
 
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TheVinny1996 said...
Mar. 28, 2012 at 10:58 pm:

I think you definetely have a talent for writing, and of all novel genres I believe horror to be your lucky shot.

Pros: I enjoyed the character development, along with the setting. There were many parts where I could see the action myself.

Cons: Didn't scare me at all (possibly due to my horror book addiction), and some of the writing style was a tad "immature" (for lack of a better word).

All in all, I liked it! And it's not often that I'll become absorbed into novel's o... (more »)

 
KateLA replied...
Mar. 29, 2012 at 1:42 am :
Thanks for the comment! Would you tell me what was immature though, so I can improve it?
 
TheVinny1996 replied...
Mar. 29, 2012 at 8:52 am :

It's hard to explain... As if... I could tell that it was written by a young person, which isn't a good thing in nowadays book writing. I recommend a dose of my favorite author (who mainly creates horror stories), Stephen King, for more experience in the topic!

Here, I'll try to explain my views on it through ratings.

Plot:  3.5/5 stars
Characters:  3.5/5 stars
Settings:  4/5 stars
Word usage:  4/5 stars
Language convention:  3.5/5 st... (more »)

 
KateLA replied...
Mar. 29, 2012 at 12:29 pm :
Wow you're critical! I don't agree with the plot only being a 3.5/5, but whatever.  I respect your opinion on it, just as everyone else has their own, and will keep writing and changing however best suits my book as it goes along. You would make a great critic by the way!
 
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WSwilliams said...
Mar. 28, 2012 at 3:56 pm:
Very thrilling! I like the suspense you put into your book and it has a strong beginning. Unfortunately, i could only read a page. You should put some foreshadowing in the beginning; to make the reader think what might happen next. Now, could you look and comment on my story (you'll find it by clicking my name) Thanks!
 
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