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Divided

Author's note: This was originally a short story for my English class. It  does  contain violence,...  Show full author's note »
Author's note:

This was originally a short story for my English class. It does contain violence, although I've tried to tone it down. All the same, if you're not one for violence, I'd recommend not reading this. 

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Chapters:   1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 10 Next »

You

You are sitting in a chair, hands bound behind you. You’re aware of everything, from the beads of sweat running down your face to the blood coursing through your veins, aiding by a rapidly beating heart. You are aware of the twelve men next to you, aware of one of them praying quietly beside you, aware of your captors staring impassively at you like Judgment Day has come and they’re about to cast you into fire.


Above all things, you’re aware of the instinct in every living organism: to fight for life, to struggle and claw for it and hold on with every fiber of your being, because you’re dangling off the cliff. You’re right above the abyss. You can’t let go, you won’t let go. You’ll fight with everything you have and even if they push you to the brink, you will say nothing.


You stare at them. They stare at you. You’re at their mercy, but they’re at yours too- they need you and what you know. It’s not a comforting thought but it does guarantee that they can’t hurt you to the point where you can’t respond.
A man walks into the room and even your captors grow still. He looks at each of your compatriots, the same way a cobra pins its prey with its gaze before it strikes. Your enemy nods to the man three chairs away from you and your captors untie him. They take him away. You don’t know how long he was gone, but when he returns, you let out a small, strangled cry- bruises are starting form in a sickening spectrum of colors all over his body, dried blood is crusted around his nose and mouth, and he cannot walk without help. He looks broken but the defiance in his eyes is clear: he didn’t talk.


You see the pain he’s in. You know it’s only the beginning.

Chapters:   1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 10 Next »


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This book has 22 comments. Post your own now!

bo_olsenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 8 at 6:27 pm
I love this book. It's so, so good, really well written. Good job! :)
 
TheVoiceoftheSilentThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 29 at 8:51 pm
First off, that was extremely intriguing. I find that short stories are rather tricky, as authors are trying to marry plot and character development much quicker. Your word choice and descriptions were incredible. I really felt as if I was watching all this play out. I also really liked the switching of points of view between chapters. However, you should be very careful with second person as many people won't tolerate on anything other than instructions and it is often poorly done. Thankfully, ... (more »)
 
wolvesandwildernessThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 17 at 6:03 pm
Erm... not trying to sound rude, but why are you posting "needs more sauce" and "love is an illusion" on my story?
 
terriyakijohnson said...
May 17 at 12:39 pm
love is an illusion
 
terriyakijohnson said...
May 17 at 12:38 pm
needs more sauce
 
wolvesandwildernessThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 2 at 1:29 pm
Wow. Thank you; this was extraordinarily helpful. I really do appreciate this. I cannot find how to edit this, only how to remove or add chapters, so I will make these changes in my own copy. Again, thank you for taking the time and being so thorough. The reason I chose second person was because it makes it easier to slip into someone's skin- for example, when profilers try to put themselves in a criminal's shoes, they often address them directly: "You did this" or "You were angry; you lost con... (more »)
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:33 pm
Overall: I’ll admit I was a bit wary when I saw that this was written in the second person. I have nothing against second person POV, other than that it is often done poorly and inconsistently. However, you did a good job with it. While the premise of this story (being held captive and tortured) has been done many times, you made yours a bit different with the twist at the end and by including the mental aspect of torture as well as the physical aspect. The thoughts of the “you” in the st... (more »)
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:32 pm
10. Nice twist at the end. Most readers probably would not expect the story to the taking place in the U.S.. Notes: + Delete “one last time”. It’s a cliché and the sentence is better without it.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:31 pm
9. The description of “your” feelings about the betrayal in the first paragraph is good. Notes: + Change the dash after “insolent” to “but”.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:31 pm
8. Notes: + Replace “them” in the first sentence with “the person” or something similar that is singular. + Remember the em dash
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:30 pm
7. Using emotion to torture the captives is an interesting addition. It breaks the pattern of physical torture and adds dimension to the story. Notes: + Remember the em dash.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:30 pm
6. Making “He smiles” its own paragraph was a good choice. It neatly foreshadows the upcoming torture by betrayal. Notes: + Change “stamped on their features” to “stamped on his features” to maintain the singular. + Remember the em dash.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:28 pm
5. Your description of “your” thoughts is intriguing. The repetition of “I’m next” and “They talked” adds to the sense of panicked monotony. Notes: + Remember the em dash.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:28 pm
4. I like the use of the word “procedure”. It continues the metaphor of the enemy as a surgeon. Notes: + Moving the “all” in the sentence “Yet it’s surprising that with almost eight billion of them all, they have similar fears.” to read “Yet it’s surprising that with almost eight billion of them, they all have similar fears.” would improve flow.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:27 pm
3. Good description. Notes: + Remember to use the em dash instead of a hyphen.
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:27 pm
2. I like the alternation between “your” point of view and that of the enemy. The comparison between the enemy and a surgeon is well done. Notes: + Change the “someone” in “to beat it out of someone” to “a person” to avoid repetition. + Consider adding a comma after “the one inflicting pain”, but it’s not strictly necessary. + Spaces between all paragraphs + Consider making the last sentence of the last paragraph (“But he’s had practice.”) into its own paragraph. I... (more »)
 
addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 2 at 12:25 pm
1. Nice beginning. The second paragraph is particularly strong. Notes: - Change “aiding” in the first paragraph to “aided”. - Don’t use a hyphen (-) for anything other than a hyphenated word. Within a sentence use an em dash (—), which can be obtained by pressing and holding the ALT key and then 0151. Do not put any spaces around the em dash. - Make sure there are spaces between all paragraphs. If you were to print this out, you would indent the paragraphs instead of spacing betwee... (more »)
 
wolvesandwildernessThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 29 at 1:42 pm
Thank you. I'll definitely take this into account.
 
valkyrie1212 said...
Jan. 29 at 5:08 am
Chapter 10: Very nice ending. The whole book was quite chilling. Again, the grammar and spelling etc are great. Your use of imagery was excellent - it made me feel, which means job well done! I found that at the end of every chapter, your last sentence was always similar to a punchline. It works sometimes, but not for every single one. It also gets a little tiring to read, and I half expected one everytime I clicked on a new chapter. Also, (if you have the time) maybe you could try rewriting th... (more »)
 
valkyrie1212 said...
Jan. 29 at 4:54 am
Chapter 5: And here we take that familiar walk up to the top of the climax hill. Let's see what surprises we'll find at the peak! :) good chapter, there are some things I might point out but I'll just finish the book to see how it ties together :)
 

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