We Don't Always Know The People We Trust The Most

March 13, 2011
By Anonymous

Summary:

Amy is a fun loving girl and is part of the intergalatic police force. She has made it to the top most position in the field. Her partner Patrick keeps her in line and together they are the best in the buisness. Though, no one really knows who Amy she is. She's faked her past and when her family finally catches up with her it isn't a happy family reunion.
Patrick discovers her past but he must help Amy overcome it.


Anonymous

We Don't Always Know The People We Trust The Most


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This book has 3 comments.


on Mar. 17 2011 at 9:06 pm
AddictedToWriting BRONZE, La Grande, Oregon
3 articles 5 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writer's Block is when your characters get fed up with all you put them through and go on strike." -- Anonomous
"A Writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."--Thomas Mann

Hey!  No prob.  Like I said on the thread, you can usually find it on one of the first three pages of 'sci-fi/fantasy', 'most popular'.  Currently, though, it is down because I added a new chapter.  You can either wait until it's back up or try my fictionpress page.  (Google fictionpress, then search "Now You See It Rewritten".  Thanks!

koolwords said...
on Mar. 17 2011 at 4:12 pm
koolwords, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
0 articles 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Unless you put your whole meaning into something, it's a waste." -Yvonne Tindelll

hey

thanks for the comment and I know my grammer skills are atrosious (i probably misspelled that word). Anyway thanks

 

also I know I said I would comment on your story but I'm still a little unsure on how to find it


on Mar. 17 2011 at 12:53 am
AddictedToWriting BRONZE, La Grande, Oregon
3 articles 5 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writer's Block is when your characters get fed up with all you put them through and go on strike." -- Anonomous
"A Writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."--Thomas Mann

Hm.  As far as content and what's actually happening, this has a lot of potential.  I kind of wish that there was a little more description and thought process on the main character's part.

When it comes to grammar and spelliing--the stuff teachers call 'conventions'--you need some work.  I caught a few typos ('bite' instead of 'bit', etc.) that one read-through with a red pen should fix.

You also have very few, if any, commas.  When you're writing, imagine yourself saying the phrases.  Anywhere within the sentence that you would pause, you put a comma.  (there are a few set rules, concerning coordinating conjunctions and all that jazz, but it's a pain to remember.) 

You had a few run on sentences that could be easily fixed by adding commas, periods, and other sentence-enders.  A good example of this is your sentence "I know right how cheesy but these...".  Reading that, it all comes out in one slur, and makes no sense.  It should be written like: "I know, right?  How cheesy.  But these..."

There're also some odd word choices you've made here.  i.e.  'disillusioned', which means "to free from or deprive of an illusion".  Did you mean 'dilusional' (having a false opinion or belief)?  There was also your use of the word 'advisory', which is basically means the giving of or containing of advice.  I think you meant 'adversary', another word for opponent.

As far as good things (this list may look shorter, but that's just cuz I'm not going into as much detail), I found the calliing of the antagonist 'Mr. Villian' pretty funny, and a good tension reliever.  I also like the main character's voice.  Very strong--like I said at the beginning of this comment, I just want more.  I want to know every thought that goes through her head.  That way, I can get to know her like a real person.

If you would like a full list of my edits and stuff, let me know and I'll see if there's a way to get my edit-coverd Word document to you.

Great job!  This story has great potential! 



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