The pendant of Andark

March 31, 2014
By Dujjo BRONZE, glasgow, Kentucky
Dujjo BRONZE, Glasgow, Kentucky
4 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Does giving really mean hospitality, Or does caring for people? I think the latter. "
I know it's a random quote but I love it all the same!!!


Summary:

after a fire killed annes parents, she finds out that it was not an accident and that the princess of her kingdom has been having trouble solving her parents deaths as well. After meeting 2 more children, they set off to find the pendant of Andark which will affect the fate of the entire kingdom.


Justin S.

The pendant of Andark


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This book has 6 comments.


on May. 3 2014 at 3:37 pm
LittleRedWritingHood, Nfdslf, Hawaii
0 articles 0 photos 45 comments
I just read the nine chapters you have posted, and they look like a pretty good start to the story. It's very intense, and I love how you set Sophine and Anne into very similar circumstances, despite their large status gaps. There are a few things that you could work on, however.   The spelling, grammar, and capitalization could use a bit of work. For instance, the word "pendant" in the title of your book should be capitalized, making it read as, "The Pendant of Andark". If you haven't already, I suggest you write your story in a Word document and then paste it onto this site. The Word document will point out most of the spelling/grammar errors you have, and it will help with capitalization as well. Of course, Word documents aren't always totally accurate all the time, and sometimes it won't recognize something as a word even if it is, or it will mark you as having a grammar mistake when you don't. However, it will definitely help.   I was going to comment on the formatting of your chapters, but then you started spacing things out better in the last two chapters. Good job, and keep doing this. Open space is attractive to the eye, and it will help your audience to read faster. Plus there isn't much more intimidating than clicking on a book, only to be welcomed by a massive block of text.   As for the content of the story itself, it is decent for what you have so far. There were parts I had to read over a couple times to understand what was happening. Maybe adding more detail will make things clearer? I would sometimes get confused as to who was speaking and when. I could usually figure it out, but please try to indicate more who says what.    There is a saying, "Show, don't tell." This means that instead of flat-out describing a character's personality, their name, how they look, or how they feel in the narrative, one should reveal all this by showing how they look, feel, or act through the dialogue and actions made by that character. For example, instead of saying, "My name is Billy Joe Winkle," in the narrative, you could reveal their name by what other people call him, or by the name that's written on the objects he possesses.   Another example is instead of saying, "She had long, black hair and chocolate-brown eyes," you could reveal how the girl looks by saying, "She cast her chocolate brown eyes to the ground, her fingers twisting themselves in her long mane of black hair." It ultimately makes your writing more interesting, and it gives better visuals of a character.  You used the mirror method in describing the appearances of both Anne and Sophine, and while this is ok, it isn't typically the best method to use. Especially not for more than one character.   You did show rather than tell to some extent, but there were parts where you did do more telling than showing. For instance, it was a bit unnecessary in Alec's first chapter for the narrative to say he was 13, when only a little bit later he tells the guard that same piece of information.   Other than that, I like what you have. Maybe you could include the name of the speaker at the beginning of each chapter, so that the reader will know immedietly who's perspective their reading through? But, yeah, good job with what you've got. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me, and I'll do my best to answer. Also, as a reminder, don't worry about returning the favor. All the stuff I have posted on this site were uploaded four years ago, so they aren't a very accurate representation to the way I write now.   I hope you found any of this helpful. Keep writing, and I'll keep an eye open for any further updates you make. :)

on May. 1 2014 at 9:10 am
CNBono17 SILVER, Rural, South Carolina
5 articles 0 photos 250 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lego ergo sum (Latin—I read, therefore, I am)
The pen is mightier than the sword—unknown
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity—1 Timothy 4:12

The story's great, and I'll definitely be waiting to see how it plays out:) A few things, though. At the beginning of each chapter, you could include the name of the speaking character in the title. It takes a minute to figure out who's talking. This isn't as much of a problem with Alec, but Sophine and Anne have incredibly similar styles of speaking. Also, dividing the first few chapters into paragraphs would help with the flow of the piece. It's very good, though:)

MZeke BRONZE said...
on Apr. 25 2014 at 1:39 pm
MZeke BRONZE, Stillmore, Georgia
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments
Sorry that did not format right. After the dialouge just hit enter to separate the talking from what happens next.

MZeke BRONZE said...
on Apr. 25 2014 at 1:38 pm
MZeke BRONZE, Stillmore, Georgia
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments
This is very intense for something that's short. One thing I noticed is that you need to separate the dialouge from the descriptions. I used to do the same thing and it's hard to think of when you get a thought going and you just want to keep writing. For example: "Come on, Anne," she said choking back sobs. "in you go." I hessitated for a few moments, but finally climbed into the cold earth. See what I mean? The story is good though.

Dujjo BRONZE said...
on Apr. 14 2014 at 11:59 am
Dujjo BRONZE, Glasgow, Kentucky
4 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Does giving really mean hospitality, Or does caring for people? I think the latter. "
I know it's a random quote but I love it all the same!!!

Okay, thanks! I love constructive criticisim so if you see anything else wrong be sure to tell me!

on Apr. 11 2014 at 6:41 pm
TheNobleSavage, Frisco, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 7 comments
I can't wait to see this story play out! But a couple things that I noticed: your chapter lengths feel a bit short to me; if you could add some more details or action to beef them up it would really help.




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