Dear Diary | Teen Ink

Dear Diary

November 15, 2019
By annaelizabethh, Clawson, Michigan
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annaelizabethh, Clawson, Michigan
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Dear Diary,

Today my mom asked if Elise and I were together again. I told her yes and that we were only broken up for a week or so. She told me that as long as I was happy, that was all that mattered to her. I’ve always been very appreciative of my mom and all she’s done for me throughout my life, especially these last four years. This situation that I’ve been going through with Elise has really opened my eyes to what the world is really like. The world is a cruel place full of hate and judgement. Elise, my baby, happened to be born into a family full of exactly that. I however, was fortunate enough to be born to a mother who loves and supports me no matter my sexuality. Elise has been going through some really hard times lately because of her and her parents different views on her sexuality. It hurts my heart watching her struggle to be herself because her parents told her she isn’t who she is. It truly makes me quite angry to talk about. I have a deep hatred for her parents because your parents are the people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally under any and every kind of circumstances. She could be out shooting up Heroin every day, but nope. She dated a girl and that’s where she screwed up. I feel partially responsible for that because I am the girl she dated, and is still dating completely against her parents wishes. They don’t know we are together, they told her she was never allowed to see or talk to me again. It really hurts me that I have to hide the girl I love from the world, but I know this is harder on her than it is on me. I wish more than anything that I could do normal couple things with her like hold her hand, give her forehead kisses, and take her out on dates. Her parents prohibit us from having that. She often worries that she isn’t good enough for me. She doesn’t realize that I see the stars when I look into her eyes. She is truly the most beautiful human being I’ve ever met in more ways than one. I feel angry. I feel this way because everyone around me gets to love freely who they want but we don’t. All because of her parents we have to love in secret, never knowing when the next time we will see each other will be. They have no clue what they’re putting us through because they took away her ability to be honest with them. Elise and I have been together for over four months now, and throughout our entire relationship, our love for each other has done nothing but grow exponentially. We have grown so close together. I think she feels like she doesn’t have anyone else. She worries that I’m going to leave her and she’ll be left with nothing. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to stay for the long run, no matter what happens with us. My goal is to marry this girl. I want her to be mine for the rest of forever. I fear that when the time comes, her parents won’t show up to support their oldest daughter at our wedding. As much as I dislike them, it would break my heart for them to not be there to watch their beautiful girl walk down the aisle on her special day. I hope that they find it in themselves to grow as people and become accepting of her before either they lose her, or I do. 

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a good day. Yesterday I saw Elise not once, but twice! I walked to her school after we got out and I waited by our tree. I saw her walking out of the school and Jackie ran up to me and hugged me like she hasn’t seen me in forever. I saw her on Friday. I gave her a quick hug and then let my attention shift to my beautiful girl in her Michigan t-shirt and fitted grey leggings. Ugh, she takes my breath away. I wish I could spend everyday with her and just love on her constantly. It sounds like a dream come true. I gave Elise a big hug and kissed her forehead. We talked for a minute and then wasted no time heading to the bathroom. It’s great that we’re both girls because that means we can go to the bathroom together and nobody will question it. That’s what we thought at least. She led me into the stall as I shut the door behind me. She leaned in slowly and hesitated before she finally kissed me. She kissed me slowly and softly with so much love. We felt normal for the first time since Thursday. We were happy to be with each other. In between kisses, we couldn’t help but smile. There was so so so much love. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I am so in love with her. Elise Lillian Jacobs is everything to me. It’s kinda scary how she has so much power over my emotions. I’ve given her that power, and I’m okay with the fact that she has that power. She deserves it. She knows me, everything about me, and she loves me for who I am. Even the ugly parts. I’ve never had that before. I’ve never had someone who truly loves me unconditionally. I hate that she’s risking everything to be with me. It’s so scary, but it’s so beautiful at the same time. She’s willing to do anything to be with me. We love each other so much. Today she told me that she thinks I hate her. I wasn’t sure if she was serious or not, but it hurt. It makes me sad that she thinks that. I know that it’s my fault for her thinking that, but I’m not sure what I did to make her think that. I hate it. I just want to make her as happy as she makes me. She makes me so happy, so beyond happy. I want her to know how much I love her and appreciate her. She has my entire heart. 

Dear Diary,

Speechless. That is what she does to me. She makes me speechless. “Speechless” by Dan and Shay, has sort of become one of our songs. It makes us both happy, and instantly when it comes on, she’s the first thing that comes to my mind. Yesterday, 10/9/18, I walked to her school to see her. I made sure that I had the song playing as she walked up to me. She got to me and I just held her as we listened to the lyrics roll off the artists tongues. We slowly swayed back and forth with our bodies pressed against one another. I held her as our noses touched. There was soft kissing and it felt like love. It was the most intimate feeling I’ve felt with her. She makes me nervous. I’ve never been nervous with someone before like truly nervous. It’s the best kind of nervous. She slightly intimidates me, honestly. She gives me a reason to try. She is my reason and motivation to succeed. I want to be able to make her and myself happy in the future. I want to be successful for her because I hope to one day support her and our family. I really hope to have a family with her sometime in the future. We want three little babies and two puppies. I’m not sure if she knows this or not, but I want twins for our first two babies. I want two light skinned little babies, a girl and a boy. I want the girl to be older and the boy to be younger and for our third baby, I want another girl. I want our first daughters name to be Violet Lynn DeLaSalle. She has already told me that she wants to take my last name, so I’m just assuming that our babies will do the same. It makes me excited that she wants to take my last name. I love my last name, but I also think that my family was a little bit disappointed when there ended up being five girl grandchildren and zero boys. I’ve always thought that my dad was upset in a way because our last name wouldn’t get passed down to the next generation because we’re all girls. Little does he know. If Elise gives me the opportunity to change her last name, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’ve always hoped that she would be the one. I feel like she is. She seems like the most perfect possible fit for me. The thought of not being with her truly scares me. She keeps me stable and happy. I know I don’t have to worry about her leaving, but she was right when she said that the outside forces are so much stronger than us. It makes me sad to think that anytime I see her, it could very well be the last. I try so hard to keep her positive because I know that there are many instances where she doubts us. I don’t doubt us ever. I believe that we are meant to be and I believe that we can do this and that we will do this. Together. Sometimes I wish that we could throw it back to the day we had our first kiss. Before things got complicated and before ugly things happened. That day was perfect to me. Even after I asked her if I could kiss her and she told me she was scared. I felt slightly embarrassed to be quite honest. It was kind of sexy though, the way she could admit her feelings to me. She showed me a vulnerable side of her by doing that, but an even more vulnerable side inside that bathroom stall. Nothing came between us in there besides our clothes. Every time I tried to lean in to kiss her for the first time, she would turn her head or back away. It was the cutest thing ever. She was so nervous, but I was too. My smile never faltered or cracked and I didn’t let her see how nervous I truly was. I didn’t want to make her worry, I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. I still do that to this day because I know that she is nervous about everything. She doesn’t know how nervous I am. I feel so ready, but there are so many things that go through my head each time before I kiss her. As soon as our lips connect, all the thoughts are just gone. It’s just her and me together in the moment, and nothing else is on my mind. I always kind of just do what my instincts tell me to do when it comes to being physical with her. I do what I know she likes, and I try to mix in something new and fun every once in a while so that we can both explore what we like. The physical part is great for both of us, but I think we both enjoy the emotional connection that we get from it all. Everytime we kiss, you can feel the sparks just light up the sky above us. We have so much love and passion for each other, and it’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. We have shared so many firsts with each other. Most of them are too intimate to talk about, but we always celebrate them, or at least talk about them. Every single first is acknowledged in our relationship whether it be positive or negative. I’ve never been in a relationship before that I’ve been able to be this open with someone. I tell Elise EVERYTHING, and she tells me EVERYTHING. It’s kind of crazy how close we are to each other. I love it, personally. I feel like the love we share is very obvious to the people around us. People are with us and can tell that we absolutely adore one another. It’s such a good feeling that people recognize that we’re completely and totally putting our hearts and souls into this relationship. Everytime I see her, no matter how long it’s for, it’s always worth it. Even if we don’t have the best time, or the best goodbye, it’s ALWAYS worth it to see my girl. I love spending time with her no matter what we do. I could be so content just sitting next to her silently while she rests her head on my shoulder. Talking to her is always the best part of my day. We have some of the most intellectual conversations that I’ve ever had over the most random things. I like to have deep conversations with her. We have them a lot, and it makes me feel close to her. The smallest things make me feel close to her, like every time I make her laugh, or every time we say “I love you.” I used to not think that it was possible for me to fall any harder for her, and yet every day she manages to prove me wrong. Every single day I fall more and more in love with her. I think she feels the same way, well at least I hope she does. I know that I’m beyond difficult to deal with, especially every day, but I do believe that I have a beautiful side too. It may not be found on the outside, but it’s definitely there on the inside. I have a deep and dark past, but that never deterred her. If anything, it seems as though it has intrigued her somewhat. I think I make her feel safe. She makes me feel safe. I like that I can be that person for her and that she is that person for me. Some days we feel like we have nobody. On those days, we always know we can turn to each other for reassurance. We both need that in our lives so badly. We both need the constant reassurance and love that we receive from our opposite. Elise has taught me to appreciate the little things about our relationship and she has taught me how to notice things. I notice her. I notice the way she walks away from me when she has to leave, and how she stands on her tippy toes when she kisses me. I’ve also noticed how her eyes sparkle when she says my name, how her hair stays flat even when she walks, and how she stays up at night even when she’s tired just to talk to me even though she knows that I’m going to fall asleep five minutes later. TIMEOUT! I just did something I’m proud of myself for. I’m listening to music, and a sad song that I love just came on and I skipped it because it was sad and I knew it would negatively affect my mood. So yeah, I thought that was cool because I’ve always struggled with that and I just wanted to share. Anyways, TIME IN! I notice more than she thinks I do. One day she asked me if I even noticed that she wasn’t saying “I love you” back to me when I would say it to her. Of course I noticed! It was something small, but yes I definitely noticed. It didn’t bother me because I know that she loves me whether she says it or not, it was just not something I was used to happening. She very much intrigues me. I am very interested in the person that is Elise Lillian Jacobs. I hope to one day know everything about her, including her body. Being sexual with each other is something that Elise and I are very good at. We both know how to flirt and be smooth with each other, but it’s something we lack the physical experience in. We’re getting there and I couldn’t be more excited about it. Knowing that I really am going to be her first is scary but amazing to me. We’ve talked about being physically intimate with each other so many times, but we never have actually gotten the chance to, or when we have, the timing just wasn’t right. I really respect her ability to say no to me in situations that make her uncomfortable. That is a skill that I seriously lack and I look up to her greatly for it. I never want to push her any farther than she wants to go. She deserves to be treated like a queen and nothing less. I never want to hurt her. Honestly, I think we’re ready to be physical with one another, but it’s a big, scary step especially for her. I won’t push it, but she knows how much I care for her. I want to give myself to her. I want her to know what I feel and taste like. I want her to know me fully and I want to know her. I can’t wait for that emotional and physical experience with her. She amazes me with every word that comes out of her mouth. Sometimes I get distracted when she talks by her lips. I love her lips. I love the feeling of her lips against mine, or against my skin. It’s a feeling that’s comparable to no other. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with this girl. She is the best blessing and I am forever grateful for her and everything we’ve endured and conquered together. I am beyond proud of the person she is every single day. She continues to dazzle me. I love you Elise Lillian Jacobs.

Dear Diary,

We broke up. It hurts beyond what words can describe. I love her but I’m being kept from her and I truly don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve shed more tears in the last week than I have in so long. She doesn’t know how this is affecting me. She doesn’t know what being apart is doing to me. If she knew, I fear it would break her. I fear that she may do something she regrets; something impulsive. She deserves someone that she can spend forever with. I want nothing more than to be that person for her, but right now I can’t. I can’t physically be there with her. It’s not like I can give her hugs and cuddles and kisses and tell her that everything is going to be okay. God, I can’t even talk to her. It makes me SO angry. I feel like the most positive thing in my life is being taken away from me and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I feel like I’ve done absolutely everything in my power to be with her. It’s not working. It should be enough, but in our situation, it isn’t. I don’t know what is going through her parents heads to take away from her everything that makes her happy. Not only that, but they make us both hate ourselves as individuals so much so that we’ve both had serious considerations of taking our own lives. It’s scary to know that. I hate knowing that their words and actions have that much power over me and especially over her. They know that I love her, they’ve read our conversations. They also know that she was the one who pursued me in the first place. They refuse to believe that their daughter would ever do anything against their wishes on her own, so they choose to blame me. “You’re not gay, you just like the way she treats you.” That one is probably my favorite. I also like this one: “We don’t care that you’re dating a girl, we care that you’re dating Madison.” That one killed me inside. That was the one that pushed me over the edge. I hate them. I don’t think there is anybody else in my life that I genuinely hate. I HATE her parents. They’ve said and done some seriously horrible things that I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive them for, let alone forget. 

Dear Diary,

I know I haven’t written in a while, but I figured I should probably drop an update. Elise and I are back together… shocker, am I right? We’ve been off and on for what will be 6 months tomorrow, 12/22/18. I still get physically sick whenever her parents check her phone or talk to her about me. I hate that. I hate that I am so emotionally invested in one person that I get sick at the thought of us not being together. I’m fifteen years old and I am in love. That blows my mind. It is my greatest achievement and my biggest fear all rolled into one word. Love. I am thankful for this journey no matter how painful it has been. It has shaped me and taught me many valuable things; such as, how to love hard and without fear and how to never take any moment, good or bad, for granted. I wouldn’t trade this roller coaster ride or this love for anything. Until this world pulls us apart, we will be as one. One heart, one soul, one love.



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