I Love You

June 21, 2017
By Kaley1234, Milton, Massachusetts
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Kaley1234, Milton, Massachusetts
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“Don’t be afraid” he said to me calmly and gently. Soft words that betrayed my heart, my religion.
Softly and sweetly he caresses my knee while staring deep into my eyes. Says no words but need not to, I knew what he was thinking, what he wanted to say to me. Eyes like passionate candles burning bright. No, his eyes were like dying candles that wanted a spark, that needed a spark. That needed that spark to make a flame, to make those candles flames grow. To make combust.
All lights are off and all breaths even, but mines. Panic arise in my eyes and my heart sense this. My eyes stares into his lies. His lies that showed all things would be all right. His lies that told me to hush; Such lies. Lies I believed and that comforted me.
“Don’t be afraid” that sweet voice of his that tempted me to do the unthinkable. That calmed down my breath and allowed me to follow his lead. Honey like words that attracts me, as if I am a bee. To be? Perhaps it was not to attract me but to repel me, to allow me to think and make the right decision. As idiotic as I was, I did not know.
“Don’t be afraid” my thoughts solely focused on him. Then nothing. Then blank. No thoughts of my own. All his. No body of my own. I belonged to him. Didn’t I? No, I do not. I tried my hardest to remember that I was somebody before him. That I was a strong willed girl. A girl that got everything she-. No I belong to him now. His touches made me lose control. My lips once glue turned into water and could no longer stay closed.
“Don’t be afraid”
His hands, so large, slightly filled with hair made me shiver, but no, this was my doing. This was all my fault. Had I truly been a good child all this would not have happened. All this would not be happening. Pushing me back he came in closer and my eyes never left his. I always had a problem remaining eye contact, it always seemed so hard. It was as if I was challenging somebody, but he made it easy. He made looking away from his cool, blue eyes hard as he leaned in closer. His breath, minty, but not the type of mint you would get from placing gum in his mouth, no this was the effect of recent brushing. I seemed to know, but only because I had experience. His breath was clean, does that mean that mines is dirty? He allowed me to taste the minty flavor he carried. Then pulled away and placed his hand on my upper thigh and looked into my eyes.
“Don’t be afraid”
I was afraid. I was afraid of how much I liked it. Afraid of how much I wanted him. Afraid of how my parents would look at me if they found out. Afraid of the outcome if something went wrong. I was afraid, just not of him.
“Don’t be afraid”
My mother always taught me to sit like a lady. To act like a lady. Never to speak too much in public. To never sit on the toilet seats in public restrooms. To always be seen and not heard. Never argue she says, guys hate bossy women. To not be needy or demanding. Never show too much cleavage, it tells guys your easy. Never cross your legs by the thighs, instead just cross your ankle and tuck it underneath your chair. To always sit straight, but not to puff your chest out. Always walk with your head held high, but not too high because it makes you seem arrogant. Though above all to always wait until marriage. So why didn’t I? I hear teenagers rebel to find themselves. To know who they are. But I already knew who I was. Didn’t I? I am a Christian. Right? That’s what my mother told me. She said I am a child of God. But who is God? How can I be his child if I don’t know who he is?
“Don’t be afraid”
Perhaps learning who you are is part of being a teen. Knowing what you are. But how will I ever learn? I want to be loved by my parents always, but I also want to experience life on my own. Something they would never allow me to do. So how can I learn? I don’t want to hold any regrets. I don’t want to be the one who looks back and wishes. Just like every morning. Although what if I stopped? What if I never saw him again? Would I regret it?
“Don’t be afraid”
Leaning back touching the door he lays in between me. My mother taught me to always keep my door closed, knowing once it opened it can never close again. I wonder if it still counts if my mother doesn’t find out.
“Don’t be afraid”
He rocked me gently back and forth. Was this pain or pleasure? Did I like this? My body seemed to like it. Why does it feel so wrong? Why was my stomach just turning and flipping? It must be because I didn’t eat dinner. Perhaps that was it.
“Don’t be afraid”
Can such warmth stop me from breathing? Hits my throat causing that burning sensation that only strong alcohol could bring. Such warmth , so big causes pain and pleasure. Yet still so hard wanting more from me. His eyes now like a bright burning fire. Waiting and wanting to devour the forest. Wanting to bring destruction and disaster.
Gently he stares into my eyes looking at me with such passion. His eyes betrayed me. His eyes showed passion yet his actions showed lust. Is passion lust? No, passion and lust are different. Right?
“Don’t be afraid. I love you”
My heart should flutter at such words that means so much. Such words that could stop wars and make fully grown men cry yet, not me. These words were meaningless. I had heard them too many times to think anything else of them. Though no matter how many times I hear those useless words, whenever that boy says it, he makes my heart flutter.
“Don’t be afraid. I love you”
His words made me cringe. He was the wrong person to say this to me. The wrong person to touch me in such personal ways. Yet I loved it. I loved the way his big hands fitted me like a slightly larger shirt. I loved the way the cold wind hit my bare legs making goosebumps that he would make vanish with his warmth. I loved the dark sky that guided me when I left my sanctuary, my safety, and went to experience new things. Things that made me less innocent. Things that made me long for more.
I knew it was wrong. I already had the one I loved. The one that made my heart flutter and that I constantly thought about. The one I longed to be with. Parents say love can always wait, but why wait for tomorrow when if you start today you can love them for longer. I loved him and I know he love me too.
“Don’t be afraid”
It’s been months though. No calls, no texts. He never says it anymore. Most people say love is temporary but I believed that we would last forever, if only we weren't so far away. He’s three days ride and he no longer says he loves me. He no longer wishes me sweet dreams or lovely mornings. Should I give up then? No matter how many times I text him he never answers. Does that mean were over?
“Are you afraid?”
Was I afraid? I didn’t know. I called him here and asked for this, so do I have the right to be afraid? This is what I wanted. Right? If I want this why am I feeling this way then. But what way? I felt good. I loved what I was doing. Maybe it was how i'm doing it. Maybe I shouldn’t. No, I caused this, I have to follow through with it. I don’t want to have any regrets.
“Are you afraid?”
No regrets. No regrets. No regrets. If I make him leave in the morning I will regret it. I will curse myself and my stupidity, for making him leave. I will curse my religion and my lack of faith, for making me feel this way. I will curse my parents and siblings, for haunting me if I don’t make him leave, but mostly I will curse God. He must have known I would have ended up this way, so why did he still create me. Why not let me die while I was still young and innocent? Why not make me better or help me? But no, He just allowed me to struggle and make bad decisions.
My parents only tried their best with me. I blame myself for deceiving them into believing that I was good.  All one big lie. The lie that haunts me at night and makes me dream of darkness. The lie that forces me to doubt my faith . The lie that I know, I can never confess.
“Are you afraid?”
His eyes so beautiful. So lovely against the moonlight. His face lightly shaved, but still enough hair to tickle me when he came close. His minty breath that fills the smell of his navy blue car. He leans in and I began to taste his minty breath, all other thoughts suddenly vanished. No religion, no family, no school, no siblings, no friends. No God. Right now all the stress vanished. Right now all I wanted was him.
I stared out the tinted windows and looked upon my white sanctuary. My isolated tower. The place that forced so much safely upon me it required me to discover freedom secretly, to discover the world myself.
My hands roamed his naked chest. Then made other worldly discoveries. This is what I came here for, and he is not the beginning or the end.
“Are you afraid?”
“Don’t be afraid”
“I’m not”
“Do you love me?”
I paused for a moment and without using any words I looked away from his eyes and laid my lips upon his. I could see his eyes close and I was about to do the same, when I realized that I am not who I am.
Right now I am not that girl that everybody loves. That girl you imagine to be so pure and innocent. The girl that you can’t even think about doing anything at night but sleeping. Right now that was not me. That is not who I am right now. I am much different. I like being dominated and I do what pleases them, as long as they please me. This is who I am right now. But the me, when I am with guys and the me, when I am with everybody else are two different people.
The me with everybody, is fun and innocent. She can talk up a storm with friends but only when her mother isn’t around. She knows her limits and when she’s not wanted. When first introduced to someone, she can be awkward and shy. She gets good grades even though she rather read mangas than study. She wants a puppy to have an excuse to leave the house and get air, but her mother says no dogs. She’s a good girl. The type of girl, that has to hear she’s beautiful but doesn’t know it. The type of girl all guys want to have, but never approach.
The me I am with guys is a flirtatious beauty. She loves to flirt and knows she pretty. She doesn’t waste time with mindless guys and is confident. She never goes around the bush. She doesn’t talk much when seeing the guy, because she believes actions speaks louder than words. She’s the type of girl that all parents forbid their children to hang around with. The type of girl that drinks alcohol and do drugs, but not because she’s addicted, but because she just wants to. The type of girl that does almost anything a guy wants as long as she gets something after. She’s the bad girl, that all guys want. The hot bad girl that makes all guys think South rather than with their North. That is who I am right now because I am not Kaley. I am Star.
“Do you love me Star?”
“Yes, I love you” I said. Not even caring that I didn’t know his name.

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