its LITERALLY all in your head | Teen Ink

its LITERALLY all in your head

May 19, 2016
By Caitlynnnn, Lemont, Illinois
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Caitlynnnn, Lemont, Illinois
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Author's note:

This piece is to drastically show the thoughts people can get soemtimes and how they effect our everyday lives and the people who know around us. 

My whole life I have had thoughts about things that eventually came true. It was a curse within me that I hated so much I would do anything possible to get rid of it. You're probably thinking that it would be the coolest thing to have this talent, but it's not what you think it is at all. No, this isn't like where you visually see yourself or others taking place somewhere in a legit setting and predicting exactly what's going to happen. It's more like getting the thought of “they will go blind” not knowing who, and then a few days later I find out someone I know has lost their sight in a horrible accident. It's not all bad things either, like getting the thought saying “someone will soon fall in love with you” and then the next day a boy asks you out. That may sound awesome but in the end every thought has a brutal ending. Even with getting a new boyfriend, the sneaky thought and the problem of having “half prediction” would come up saying “something bad will happen and you guys will breakup” and all of a sudden, you're single as can be. See, horrible ending and something I wish I never had inside of me.  And I'm here now to tell you my story of how and where I am today.
  It all started way back in 4th grade. I can remember starting off my first day in Miss Cradle’s classroom, walking and sitting down in the cold desk. It was a super colorful room filled with letters and multiplication problems and the smell of hazelnut coffee. As I sat down with my backpack and lunchbox in my hand, I remember seeing a young boy across the classroom sitting all by himself. As I sat there I remember hearing a thought of mine say “You will soon find a best friend who is much like you.” When I heard the thought I became very startled. After half the day had passed halfway by, it was time to go to lunch. I walked into the big lunchroom and looked around for a spot to sit. “Your new friend is near” creeped another thought into my head. I stood there frozen as if other people heard it as well. Turns out no one did, and I just looked funny to everyone as I was standing there. Still looking for a sport to sit I walked up and down the aisles trying to find a good seat. I saw the little boy from earlier that day in my classroom at a few tables down. I walked over there and sat next to him. “Hi, I’m Patrick John” He said in a soft tone. “I’m Cassidy, nice to meet you Patrick John” I replied to him while gazing into his eyes. “It’s nice to meet you too!” he said in a soft tone. “By the way, you can call me PJ, it's easier to say than Patrick John over and over” Patrick John said in the softest tone. “No, I like Patrick John! And since that's your name that is what I’m going to call you.” After that we just sat there laughing and talking for the rest of the lunch hour. That night when I got home I had decided that Patrick John is my new best friend.
  Time had gone on and I really started to love 4th grade. I had soon found out that when I would get the thought that they would eventually come true. All the thoughts would go from good to bad is also something else I also figured out as well. Patrick John and I had really grown close to each other as the year went on. We were different from all the other kids. Since I was a female and he was a male, and we were best friends, others would make fun of us for it. It was not that big of a surprise to me though considering I knew something like that was going to happen from one of my “special thoughts.” That was another one that went from good to bad.
“Such a gift to be so different” creeped in a thought one day.
“I love that our friendship is so different. We are so much alike and no one else has something this special!” Patrick John told me out of the blue later that same day.
“Being different isn't a bad thing, it's just who we are!” I said while playing cards with him at lunch. At first I loved the attention people gave me for not being afraid of Patrick John and his “cooties”. It was something I cherished and honored when people told me they admired and wished they could have themselves. As time went on and I waited for the great thought to turn into something black and horrible, I soon found out the people started to become jealous and started to envy my friendship with Patrick John and not in a good way.
“Being different isn't all that good for long, at least to others” spoke the words of my little mind.
Soon I started to hear whispers from people who would talk about me when they knew I heard them.
“She's just trying to be cool” one group of kids would say
“Let’s not talk to them anymore, because they are weird” others voices would say piercing me.
From then on, I literally had Patrick John as my only friend, but I was ok with that considering he was my best friend.
  One day while sitting in Miss Cradle’s class watching her write out math problems, I thought to myself
“What if I told Patrick John about my thoughts? He would totally understand! At lunch, I will tell him everything.”
When the lunch bell rang I opened my bag to grab my soup container and got up and started walking towards Patrick John. As I was just about to approach him, I really strong thought approached me and stopped me mid track,
“Telling what's on your mind would only hurt others.”
It absolutely petrified me. Hurt others? What did that mean?
“What's wrong?’ Patrick John said lightly punching my arm.
“OH nothing” quietly slipped the words out of my mouth.
“Are you sure Cassidy? You can tell me anything” he said, “nothing you ever say will ever bother, offend, or hurt me in any way.”
I got chills as he said those words.
“NO I’m fine, grab the playing cards and let's head to lunch.” We then started towards the lunch room.
  When I got home that night and I lay in my bed I remember having another thought came into my mind that confused me.
“You should really tell others your problems because it will protect them.”
My head started to hurt as I sat and thought about it. Earlier it was said not to tell others my problems because it will hurt them, but now if I don't it will protect them? The more I thought about it the worse my head hurt, so I just tried falling asleep. It was finally Saturday, which meant I had the choice to do anything I wanted. I called up Patrick John and asked him if he wanted to go on a bike ride. We met up, and started to ride down the creek where big willow trees swayed and the strong stream glistened in the sun. We stopped and sat beneath one of the trees.
“Look at how strong the current is!” Patrick John said whipping a rock into the stream as it got carried away quicker than I could blink.
“Be careful Patrick John! I don't need you getting hurt!” I yelled to him
“Oh Cassidy, you worry too much. I'll be fine! Look at me go, I'm climbing the willow tree!”
Right then and there I was about to scream at him to get down, since I knew something bad was going to happen. Since I didn't tell Patrick John about my special talent and let it go, it took a turn for the worse and I KNEW that it would end badly. Just as I was about to shout to him, the other thought came into my head telling me “remember IF you do say something to him, he will for sure get hurt.”
As my thoughts were confusing me, I did not realize how much they were distracting me. I looked up to see Patrick John falling from one of the willow tree branches! I panicked and didn't know what to do.
“Cassidy help me help me do something!” he yelled to me.
I had no words, I could not speak. Something was holding me back.
“Cassidy what are you doing! I'm going to fall!!” He kept yelling while holding onto that small weak branch. I opened my mouth to say something but no words came out. My mind would not let me move or speak, and I was frozen.
“Cassidy, what is wrong with you, I thought we were best-” the branch cracked, and down Patrick John fell. I still sat there frozen and watched the stream take him away. I sat there and stared all day long. I could not speak or move because my head just kept yelling at me to many things such as
“Grab him! He's falling!!’ or
“You will save him, no wait you will hurt him, no no wait you will save him!” and
“Why the heck won't you move? Go after Patrick John who cares!”
These things would play in my head over and over again everyday ever since that day back in 4th grade, and they still continue to repeat over and over again up to this very second. So this is how I got to where I am today, frozen in my thoughts not able to move all these years. Now, you are probably saying
“How come you didn't go after him?” or
“You’re crazy! Psychotic” or
“This makes no sense you should have just went after him and ignored everything else going on in your head” and
“Where is Patrick John now? What happened to him?”
And I cannot tell you that because I'm still frozen, and what you say is probably just another one of my special, crazy, thoughts.



 



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