Into the Unknown

December 8, 2010
By ForeverWonderland BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
ForeverWonderland BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Cross me, and the protagonist dies. ...Then again, they probably will anyway.


Summary:

Kimberly Grace William life is completely normal. The only drama she's forced to handle is her annoying triplet brothers, and the occasional flirtacious actions of her highschool's jock Luke Shields.
But Kimberly's world is turned upside down and twisted around when her family decides to move from the cozy house they currently reside in, located in Florida, to halfway across the country to freezing Alaska.
Overwhelmed by the sudden change, Kimberly runs away from her family in one last desperate attempt to stay in the Sunshine State. Finally, she comes across the woods just outside her house people have claimed to hear wails and screams admitting from.
Despite that, she enters boldly, but little did she know that her best friend Maria Campbell happened to be following her. They argue, and eventually engage in a fight involving a flurry of nails and fists. Kimberly knocks her friend into a nearby pond, and is dragged in with her.
When they surface they're not met by the woods they were in previously before, but instead a beautiful golden field.
They're not in Florida anymore.
The two best friends enter this new world without of clue on how they got there. Loyalty, friendship, and trust will be tested as they venture through this mysterious land in hope to get home, and mystical abilities they never thought possible will arise. The magic and light of the land is wonderful, but where there is light, there is darkness: and the darkness might be something the two friends won't be able to hande.

Tags: Family


Gabrielle M.

Into the Unknown


Similar books


JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This book has 21 comments.


on Aug. 21 2012 at 4:28 pm
SweetDreamer78, London, Other
0 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind

I think this story is great and can't wait to read more of it and the first part ended on a really good cliffhanger. I hope you continue it soon!!!
 

on Nov. 7 2011 at 10:04 am
BrokenTogether GOLD, Saraland, Alabama
10 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love...and be loved in return..." -Christian, Moulin Rouge

OfficialApprover...will you please review my novel-in-progress? Please?

on Jul. 20 2011 at 8:25 pm
Laura_Oliver GOLD, Manchester, Connecticut
12 articles 2 photos 122 comments
though if you edited this (and I mean a lot of editing) you could come out with something really spectacular. It's like a weedy garden with the world's ripest juciest tomatos (without being mushy though)

on Jul. 20 2011 at 8:23 pm
Laura_Oliver GOLD, Manchester, Connecticut
12 articles 2 photos 122 comments
don't understand how it got so many good ratings? Its not the grammar or punctuation or overuse of 'the' and 'it' that matters. It's the story. I love this.

on May. 21 2011 at 4:38 pm
ForeverWonderland BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Cross me, and the protagonist dies. ...Then again, they probably will anyway.

Important Note: Just so you all know, this book is currently placed on pause due to the process of deconstruction and starting over. This is a fairly old draft with several flaws and writing mistakes, yet - for now - I'm choosing not to delete it since it's recieved so many positive ratings (I don't even understand how). I'm not sure when a recent version will be submitted, but please don't think of this novel as the best-of-my-ability.

Thank you.

~ForeverWonderland


on Feb. 8 2011 at 8:48 pm
whispersofthenight GOLD, Tallahassee, Florida
10 articles 2 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I am an artist; I paint with words.

Don't hate it D: It's good! (Well, not as good as the new ver, probably, but still.)

on Feb. 8 2011 at 5:01 pm
ForeverWonderland BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Cross me, and the protagonist dies. ...Then again, they probably will anyway.

Yep! :) Because, as you know, I hate this version. </3

on Jan. 26 2011 at 4:14 pm
whispersofthenight GOLD, Tallahassee, Florida
10 articles 2 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I am an artist; I paint with words.

Are you gonna post the new version of this when you have enough of it?

on Jan. 25 2011 at 4:32 pm
ForeverWonderland BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Cross me, and the protagonist dies. ...Then again, they probably will anyway.

Thanks Coffee!! <3

on Jan. 25 2011 at 4:32 pm
ForeverWonderland BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Cross me, and the protagonist dies. ...Then again, they probably will anyway.

Ha, yeah, it's a small bit of allusion :)

Thanks for reading! <3 I'll probably be starting over this novel soon, for I'm not at all satisfied with the way it turned out. It's one of my older pieces, so I plan to revise it. :) Plus, the plot is going to go under a bit of developement.


on Jan. 25 2011 at 12:47 am
MasterZone BRONZE, Toronto, Other
2 articles 0 photos 39 comments

  That sentence in the preview:

  They're not in Florida anymore.

  Reminds me of the Wizard of Oz:

  "I'm not in Kansas anymore."

  Now, onto reading the novel, lol.

 


Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 3 2011 at 1:48 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

congrats on being #1 of the day!

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 2 2011 at 12:43 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

you need to write more

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Dec. 15 2010 at 6:38 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

like it, like the characters (as you know, haha) Ithink the details are greta, and you can really picture your slef in the scene.

adive...hmmm I will come up with something..(I'm trying to get better at it) I guess....well, i like the writing style, though sometimes it seems a little to much Kimberl'y thoughts than a story, but that's also enjoyable at time, OH SCREW ADVICE. I liked it!


on Dec. 15 2010 at 5:21 pm
diaphragm BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 86 comments
Haha I love Kimberly :) good job so far! Can't wait to read more~

on Dec. 14 2010 at 8:28 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

No problem:) I'm trying to help people improve.  I'm glad it didn't offend you--I wasn't trying to be mean, just honest.

on Dec. 14 2010 at 4:00 pm
ForeverWonderland BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Cross me, and the protagonist dies. ...Then again, they probably will anyway.

Thanks you so much! And I will! ^^

on Dec. 14 2010 at 3:57 pm
ForeverWonderland BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Cross me, and the protagonist dies. ...Then again, they probably will anyway.

No, it's alright, I'm happy you wrote the super long comment of advice ^^ You're right to be honest, and I'l try to fix everything you suggested. I'll probaby end up starting competely over at one point, because I usually do often, so I'll be sure to avoid the probems my writing currently has.

And there isn't actually a love triangle thing going on (not my thing) but I do SEE where you can get that by the way it was written.

But anyway, thanks for the comment :)


on Dec. 14 2010 at 8:26 am
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

Okay.  I'm telling you right up front that I'm going to be completely honest with you.  If you want sugar coating, don't read this.

 

I do like the premise.  Your pitch was decent, though you gave a bit too much detail.  We don't need to know everything that happens to her, just the gist of it.

 

So you start off with a pitch about her and her friend disappearing into another world, and you start it off with...Algebra class.  This is a  bit throwing for the reader.

 

Biiiiig problem: Tense changing.   You do it very, very often.    Using words like 'now' and 'this' and 'you see', etc.   These are all present tense words, and you're using them with past tense.  There are many other examples, but these are a few. While sometimes thoughts alone are in present tense, you don't always do it for thoughts, and you do it many times in context.  Try to smooth it out a bit.

 

'Nother problem:  the tone.  I'll admit, I like some of your descriptions, like the one of the teacher's eyes, but the tone is...well, have you ever read Evermore?  This is similar, but sort of.....worse, although in all fairness, that writer is much older than you and  had editors so she doesn't have as much of an excuse.  Anyways.  This is an extremely chatty tone.  Sometimes a slightly chatty tone works for a book--the MC is more interactive with the reader.  But the way you're doing it, it sounds like some an.gs.ty teenage girl telling us just how horrible her day was and how hot this guy is, etc.  We don't want to read the complaints of a teenage girl.  Watch out for phrases like "I mean," and "I can honestly say that...." and "just making that clear" as well as others.  Way too informal for a book.

 

Related to the tone, you switch person while 'talking' to the reader.  Kimberly often mentions 'you' as if talking to us, but the way she does it, it's almost like some kid asking for our opinion.  If you do go from first to second, which a few novels do very rarely, you have to make it more refined and fitting.

 

AH! THE CLICHES!  *runs away*

 

No.  But seriously.

 

I've already spotted enough cliches in the first chapter alone to make me wary.  Hmm, let's see.  The 'eeeeevil' teacher that's out to get the poor, poor MC, the rude boy who teases the MC all the time but just happens to have a thing for them, the sweet, shy hot guy who appears out of nowhere, and the MC who su.ck.s c.r.a.p at school.  Be ware of these.  Cliches are soooo easy to fall into, and it seems quite a few have caught you in their trap.  Watch out for them.

 

Don't use a lot of exclamation points!  Especially when you're talking to the reader! In context or parenthesis!  It makes the MC seem over-excited!  And it gets annoying! Like this!

 

Eep, adverbs.  Adverbsadverbsadverbs.  These are a problem.

 

We all need adverbs to a certain extent--without any, writing would be very plain.  But you use them way too much.   When you can spot eight or more adverbs in a paragraph, you've got a problem.  When you can spot more than two in a paragraph, you've got a problem.  Cut down on those.

 

I have indeed read your pitch, so I don't have this opinion, but had I not read the summary, after reading the first chapter I've have thought this was a general fic romance with a love triangle.  Not a  paranormal idea.  Perhaps work on a prologue that introduces the paranormal element sooner.

 

 

Overall: Yeah, I know I was harsh.  I said I'd be at the top of the comment.  But despite all of this, I will tell you: you have potential.  This story has potential.  You have pretty good dialogue, and the plot set-up from the pitch, at least, seems interesting.  The writing could use some sharpening up and cleaning, but seeing as it's your first novel, not bad at all.

 

Good luck, and keep writing.


on Dec. 12 2010 at 6:57 pm
whispersofthenight GOLD, Tallahassee, Florida
10 articles 2 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I am an artist; I paint with words.

Ahahaha, poor Kimberly.

I personally love this book, even though you aren't very far through.





MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!