I have always been a kid that tried my hardest in school. I knew that if I put in the effort I would be rewarded in my future. Though besides just that, I enjoyed gaining new understanding. The want to learn has always weighed heavily upon my decisions in and out of school. Or at least that is what I believed.
First semester civics class is where it seemed to start rather intensively. Many things behaved that way in my worry laden life. Every class period, I would walk in, sit down, and anxiously wait for my next golden opportunity. These opportunities were questions. When they came, I would scurry to snatch them up. Answering them correctly made my feel accepted and recognized by my classmates and teacher. The only problem with this tactic was that I had to be perfect, to get every question right. I knew down somewhere deep that it was foolish of me to believe I could live up to the standards I set for myself.
As it turned out, that part of me was right. On an ordinary day I walk into civics class as I always did. I proceeded to sit on my self-prescribed throne. Though something different happened that day. After I stretched my arm up to answer a question, I answered incorrectly. Even though I knew this was definitely not my first mistake in life, something different had come in this moment. I should have known the answer and was sure that my peers thought I was brainless. The castle that I had built up underneath me was constructed solely of validation from my peers. Though as this moment came and I wondered what they now considered of me after my mistake, the formerly glorious castle crumbled like dry cake.
The next day in class I sat stunned with my pride successfully tamed. I ignored those opportunities as I classified them. Even if I may have known the answer, I was unwilling to risk damaging my self-confidence any further. Though as I sat there, no longer placing the mind crushing stress on myself to seek and answer every question correctly, other ideas started to formulate in my head. I wondered for the first time in a while if perhaps I was wrong, mistaken in more than just the question from the day before. Thinking tenderly, I began to puzzle over the concept that perhaps even in answering questions correctly, my mindset was off. This light reflection did not last for long.
Soon the dusting formulation of thoughts turned into a compelling hammer striking on my forehead. I set up two instances in my mind. In one, I continued down my current path of braggertness. Here, I always feared being incorrect. This was because I knew that every time I made a mistake, I would be launched into a self despising and petrifying chamber. My mistakes would always be hated by me because the fear of what others thought of me after I committed them would constantly control me. After this path, I imagined another in which I was less experienced. The difference about this path was that instead of constantly desiring for people to accept me, I chose to be willing to make mistakes. Because of my lack of experience of this track of life, I had to apply a past encounter. This came from what happened after I had answered questions incorrectly in the past. After sifting through the self pity that I had for myself in these moments, I realized how clearly I remembered the answers to the questions I had gotten wrong. On this second path I imagined, I learned from each of my mistakes; hence, I learned more from school and other instances in life. I relished mistakes, in this theoretical thought, because every one of them made me better, taught me more. Though this was only an idea without experimentation; consequently, I decided to stop my self-righteous attitude and work to establish the principle of accepting mistakes into my life. With this ideal part of my mental construct today, I am able to learn so much more than I was before.
That semester, I found out that even though I thought I was right about most things, I was wrong in the way I lived my life. I went to school every day to show off, not to learn like I always thought I did. School is not a place for me to boast but a place for me to learn. What I now know is that by instead holding fast to humility and learning to grow from my mistakes, I can truly learn from school in a way I could never in my past.