I wave to karin after we hug goodbye like we always do. Her hugs were always so warm and comforting. Which is what I needed after the day I have been having. Before we would, she would look at me in the eyes with her big, ocean, blue, eyes, somehow telling me she would miss me without saying a word. She would then pull me into her , a tight grip from all the muscles she has produced from swim and volleyball. Then she would barry her face into my shoulder while her blonde hair would brush my face, causing a sent coconut to fill my nostrils. This was her tradition with her friends, even though she didn't see it like that. She saw these dramatic hugs as a normal thing. Her heart is just to big and generous to see any different. She's the type of person that makes you happy to be alive. She gives off this positive energy and such free spirit that is so hard to find, but that's just her; her lifestyle and way of life.
I leave church and get into my car. I sit there for a second and let the little moment of confort fade like it always does. I put my car and gear and start driving. I have been having a rough couple of past months dealing with anxiety and depression. I was mentally exhausted and was having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in my life. I get off highway 70, the fastest way home, and take the service road right next to it. I don't feel like going home at the moment, and want time for myself to think. It's the middle of december, and it's 70 degrees outside, and theres a nice cool breeze coming through my windows. The stars are shining bright, unlikely because of how lit up our area is. I have nice christian music humming in my car. It's a beautiful moment and night, but i don't appreciate or feel it at all. I feel completely alone and sad. This moment is dark and depressing to me. All i see is a lonely road with me driving, driving, driving, to nothing. Only hearing the occasional sound of a car passing, startling me from my thoughts. I'm going nowhere, and nowhere in the future. I start overthinking about how i have nothing to live for and no one can help me at this point. It hurts to live more then it would to die in my mind, and death looks like the only escape. I have these thoughts all the time, and never have the balls to actually do anything. But something came over me this night. I push the thought of my parents living without me and how my death would affect all my friends, or friends I didn't know I had. The bridge right before the turn i had to take comes into view. I step on the gas pedal. The bridge grows closer and faster in view. It becomes the only thing i see. My hands grip the steering wheel and i can feel my eyes widen. I start counting back in my head from 5, timing when ill crash. 4…..3…. I stomp both feet on the brakes and close my eyes, wishing that this was all a dream. My car comes to a stop after skidding a couple feets, making a high pitch, squealing sound. I put my head down on my steering wheel and cry. I don't even care that i'm in the middle of the street, but i doesn't matter because there no one around anyway. After getting myself together, i make my way down the street to my house and head up to my room. I throw my jacket on my bead and clear everything to the side walls of my room. I pace back and forth and rub my face aggressively with my hands. I start hitting myself, hating what i've become. I lay on my floor in a ball, like you do when your 5 and you think it will hide you from whatever problem you're facing. Tears continue to stream down my cheeks. I might have not been able to do it in the car but i still was gonna try. I get up and grab my secret, book, box where I hide my hard drugs. I take out all the pills and ready myself to take them. But im interrupted by my phone dinging. It reads “message from Karin” and below it says,
“I love you and can't wait to see you next weekend.” an image of her bright smile flashes in my mind. I can hear her saying this in my head, like she has so many times before with that sweet, soft child like, voice that always puts me at ease. I put the pills down, back into the box, and put the box away. I lay in my bed and think about my amazing friend. How could I just leave her like that. She definitely, does not deserve unanswered questions of why one of her good friends died, or guilt of why she didn't do more. But she also made me realize that i shouldn't have let myself get this far in depression without telling her. She's the most trustworthy soul i've ever met and should be the person i tell about all this. And how could i not see that people love me, and realize that i do matter in this world. I think it was God using karin to keep me alive. He knows i have more to live for and he is trying to show me that. And maybe, just maybe things do get better.