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I Ran Out Today
I ran out today. I didn’t realize how low I was. I ran out of all of them.
My heart starts racing, as does my mind, then my palms start to sweat, they start to shake. But I can’t stop. I ran out today!
Days pass, I’m not sure how many. With every single forsaken minute that has ticked away from life, I feel myself reverting back to my old ways of being comfortably numb.
I am unable to have emotions without having these feelings taking over my mind and body. I can’t stop the thoughts. The thoughts that separate me from others.
All because I ran out today.
Wait, no. Two days ago? Three? Four?
Who knows, and who even cares? No one because I am a worthless piece of nothing.
I wouldn’t be thinking this way if I hadn’t run out today, I hope.
More days pass, I haven’t eaten in 48 hours, I don’t deserve to. I already look as if I never stop stuffing food into the endless hole I call a mouth.
I rarely sleep since I ran out. These thoughts that numb my mind passed comprehension keep me tossing and turning until I hear birds chirping because they must let the early risers, who actually have a reason to wake up with a smile, know that it’s time to climb out of bed.
Now I know that it’s time to force myself out of my comforting bed, which allows me to hide from a world that I wish I wasn’t living in, and try to get through another pointless and draining day.
And even if I do sleep instead of dreaming of lovely things like any normal person, I see my biggest fears turned into terrifying monsters. With these beady eyes that look into my soul and rip it from my body because they know I don’t deserve one and razor-sharp teeth tearing at my flesh breaking me down to nothing, what I truly am.
But they came in the mail today.
They came in the mail today!
In two days flat I can feel again. I’m eating and allowing my body the nutrients it needs, and deserves.
I can sleep throughout nights with dreams, not night terrors, dreams of any and everything you could imagine.
I have regained my clarity.
I ran out two weeks ago.