I am 18 years old, I am graduating high school soon, and I was emotionally abused by my ex- boyfriend. Wow, it feels amazing to type and say that. I spent six months in denial and not realizing that’s what the entire relationship was. It took multiple of my friends and my mother to help me realize what I was actually going through. I was stubborn and didn’t want to believe them. I was under a spell of he could do no wrong. I was in love with him, how could I think he was a toxic influence on me?

First: it starts off with isolation. He would try to turn me against my friends and my own mother. He asked me if my mom was worth losing him over. My mother at that point was not a huge fan. Then, he would begin telling me that he is the most important person and convincing me that everyone I know is against him and I. He convinced me it was just us against the world, that my friends were always talking crap about me or talking behind my back. I almost lost my best friend from listening to him. Hell, I almost lost my relationship with my mom. I could’ve lost everyone, but I chose not to.

Second: threats. If I had a dollar for every time he threatened to break up with me, I would most likely be a millionaire. He, whenever I did something he deemed bad, would continually use the phrases, “my friends are telling me to break up with you” or “if you don’t come to my performance, I’m going to have to break up with you”. Not only would he threaten to break up with me, but he also threatened to kill himself. Well not really kill himself, but more of cutting himself. He likes to think I don’t know about this but he wore a white bandage to school one day after he supposedly self harmed. The next day after that, he came to school with nothing there. No scars, no bandage. He claimed to have put foundation on it, but I knew it was a lie. His sister was way tanner than him and he’s way too pale for the foundation to not make an awkward orange spot.

Third: control. When I see that word, I never thought I would agree with the negative connotation of the word. This is the one that I never realized that it was actually going on. You think after watching millions of Lifetime movies, this would’ve been the first thing I noticed. However, that wasn’t the case at all. First sign of this, he always wanted to know where I’d be and who’d I be hanging out with. When it was someone he didn’t particularly like, he’d make a big scene about how the friend is a terrible person and how he wanted to be the person I hang out with. When I would hang out with other people, he would continually call me and act like he had something important to say that could hurt my feelings. In all honesty, I was terrified. I was in fear he was going to break up with me. Second sign of this, he always had to be the center of attention. If he wasn’t, things turned to the point where he always would start a fight about it with me making himself look like a victim. He had to be the right one and he would twist any words in order to make it look like that.

Fourth: guilt. I specifically remember that  the first time I tried breaking up with him, he sent me a picture of a necklace he supposedly bought to give me for Christmas. He would say that he was going to give that to me at the winter formal our school was having. He tired to make it this whole special thing and it looked like he was trying to get me back. Aside from that, he always would guilt me by saying things were hard for him at home or that I’m the only person who makes him happy. He would always make sure to always make it seem like he can’t live without me. I don’t think he realized what exactly he was doing but through the minds of my friends, family, and myself, it looked like he was trying to use a mix of control, guilt, and codependency on me in order to make me stay. 

Going through this whole experience has made appreciate everyone who stuck by me during the time of me being blinded by the love I had for him. I broke up with him twice and I still went back to him. I was under the spell of him being the only one for me. He almost cost me a million of things: my mom, my friends, and my reputation. Maybe one day he will change and find someone who can put up with his lies. I wish the best of life for him. I spent seven months wanting him to be the perfect boyfriend for me, but he could not give his lies up. Love may have been there, but it was not a good love. It was toxic. He was toxic. He was abusive. I survived before I let it get too far.