I really felt like I wasn’t wanted. Laying down on the bathroom floor crying so I hard I could flood the whole house. Thoughts racing through my mind wondering what I could’ve done so wrong. Thinking is this the right decision, but then again not caring because life just isn’t fair. Trying to figure out how I’m going to do this, what I’m going to do it with, and when. Feeling as if I could see the speech bubbles pop up because this was a hard decision. I had no choice but to call my father`s girlfriend, considering he was never around. My Nana came and picked me up and later that night I was committed to VCU mental health facility.
I had seen these places before but only on television. I was committed by both my mom and dad; I was forced to wear these plastic blue scrubs. They came to see me every day and they finally brought me some clean pajamas, hairbrushes, and soaps. I say all that to say depression is real.
About one and a half years ago I started counseling at thirteen, when I was diagnosed with depression. I struggled so much from people walking in and out my life, my dad, my godmother, and the majority of my dad`s side of the family and not having a consistent father figure because he didn’t want to help or be around at times. I even struggled seeing someone close to me be mentally, emotionally, and physically abused. Of course being as young as I was this traumatized me tremendously.
I ended up living with my dad and grandparents, I looked at my grandpa as my father figure and then it hit me, “POW”, he died. As a child I continuously found out about the false information my dad feed me and the true colors of everyone around me. This gave me the mindset to trust nobody but myself. I also caught myself going into multiple more mindsets such as, keep to yourself because you’ll only get let down and don’t let anyone into your life because they’ll only leave you hurt and alone. I tried to remind myself that there is someone going through a lot worse than I am but I felt completely alone and my insurance was no longer valid so that meant no more counseling for me. I knew that I just wanted to go home, I never wanted to go back, and I knew this was a big mistake.
My life was a blur of disappointment, lies, confusion, disrespect, and life changing experiences. Finally, I experienced the most heartbreaking loss of all, the death of my sister. July 22, 2017 was the day I was told my sister was murdered. I was finally gaining a relationship with her after years of her being on drugs. Lies were made about my sister and she was led to Alabama, were she was supposed to be meeting her boyfriend’s family, but was later killed. My sister was a phenomenal person and everybody loved her but people are cruel and start rumors that sometimes led to things like this.
Depression made me do and feel a lot of things, I isolated myself, my grades dropped, and I had no motivation. Leaving that center I knew in my heart I wasn’t through with having depression, but I had goals and I had motives to live to. I still isolated myself, lacked in staying focused, and my health wasn’t the same. The downfalls I just named plus more are everyday things I still deal with but I keep myself busy which is one thing my current counselor by the name of Megan Smith who works at the same psychiatric facility I was at, told me this might help at times and for me it really does. Some skills that I use are keeping myself occupied, eating healthy, and not missing any counseling appointments. I want to get to the point of my life were I won’t have to take anymore medicine to help with my mood disorder. If you don’t know much about depression you might think that taking medicine will fix it but truth is, depression isn’t a headache. “What do you mean by a headache?”, you may ask. I mean that it can’t just be cured from medication it takes time, dedication, and acceptance. Trust me with this disorder I have wanted to give up on more than one occasion, in and out of the sanitarium. Everyone has felt this way at some point with or without depression, as human beings we feel it’s easier to run away from situations, give up, and not deal with them, but in reality it’s not healthy.
I shared these events because they took me on a deeper path of depression once again but I had to make myself bounce back. I told myself, you can’t change what happened but you can make everything better. This helped me sometimes but I had to remind myself a few times because the pain was so unreal. I had realized that I helped myself overcome this battle I’ve had for years now and it felt so good knowing that I finally knew that I could beat it instead of letting it beat me. Life for me gets better each day. I’m growing more and not letting my depression define me, I’m trying my best to stay focused, my grades are looking good, and I pray every day about my life.
I’ve had a rough life; I’ve been through things just as much as anybody else but I refuse to let it overcome who I am today. I wrote this to share my story and say anybody going through a situation regardless what the case may be, you can get through it and make it better. You have to want to make it better, you have to dedicate yourself to make it exceed, and you have to accept the situation your in. You may think it won’t get better and that nothing will ever change, but truthfully it just takes time.