Is there something wrong with me? I ask myself that question about 5 times a week. Everyday I seem to constantly be my own bully, then drag myself out of society only to stick in my ear buds and turn up the volume.
Am I pretty,skinny enough,smart or good enough? Yes, perhaps I am the culprit of my own misery. I seem to tear myself down and make me feel lonely and unloved. For years I have been trying to get to the bottom of what makes me feel so unworthy, and left out. I seem to have wired a system into my brain, where the moment I feel left out, something in my body and spirit just gives out. It feels as if my soul just got sucked out, just from somebody's actions or words. I know that it may sound silly to you, but I have discovered that I am a somewhat sensitive person to certain situations and I must learn how to deal and overcome these trials and tribulations of life and friends as I grow up and blossom into a young adult.
Because of these negative emotion I have, it controls my life and me. And after all these years of sadness and I anger, I have just now realized that I do have a choice and with some hard work and dedication, I can be happy. I need to make a change. I'm tired of roaming school alone in my own world and feeling as if my friends and family don't care about me. I'm tired of feeling as if i died that no one would notice. It takes to much energy and time to feel as I do. Of course I still am not positive on why i'm quite feeling this way and I suppose I may never. But, it’s mandatory for me to let go and move on so I can live my life up and grow to my full potential.
I have taken into consideration that possibly my expectations for friends and family could be a little high, but it’s surely nothing i couldn’t or wouldn’t do for them.But, I now understand better that even no matter how much I want them to be or treat me one way because I know that’s how I would treat them, doesn’t necessarily mean that’s how they will treat me. For all I know, if something they do or say to me might hurt my feelings doesnt mean if I did it to them it would hurt theirs. And for all I know, im just contemplating the situation a little to intently, but I guess that just seems to be something I do.
I now feel more ready than ever to start to have a more positive outlook on life and to really embrace my friends and family and just accept their version of love into my heart and mind. I now start the journey of recovery with people I truly love by my side and learn just to let things roll off my back. I will continue on and move past this long yet hopefully temporary and minor set back I have. All I can ask of myself is to work on me a bit everyday. I honestly feel like an elephant has just been lifted off my chest.