Depression, what is it? Most people would just say ¨Well it is when you're extremely sad for a while.¨ While those people are not completely wrong, depression actually is a common medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you view yourself, and how you act around others. For me personally, it affects my appearance, personality, school life, and home life.
Growing up I was a joyful and shy little girl who just wanted to make a difference in the world and do something in music, at the time mostly be in a Disney movie, but when I became depression my whole life felt like it was flipped upside down. My appearance changed I didn't want to dress nicely anymore or have my hair done; I used to go days without even brushing my hair. As I got older it was as if my depression went dormant I was halfway back to being my normal self, but as of a few years, it has come back. I never wear makeup, because I feel as if it isn't worth it. My hair is always messy and is in a bun or ponytail because I just feel as if nobody would notice or care. I dress like a bum in sweatpants and sweatshirts, and they are not always clean due to the fact I don't feel pretty enough to dress nicely unless I have to for a special occasion.
Depression affects my personality and it altered me from the person I used to be to the person I am now. My personality used to be confident, happy, adventurous, wanting to always be around friends, but that's not the person I am anymore. My confidence was changed completely and now I feel that I am never beautiful; I could have my makeup and hair done and I will still feel hideous and unworthy of it all. One thing that is just common knowledge is that people with depression are sad constantly. There will be times where I am happy but insecurities creep in and hurtful things I have been told about myself and I'm sad again. I went from wanting to travel, be social, and have adventures to having little to no drive to do those things every single day. I have to force myself to be up and active every morning and to go where I need to go; even though I feel as if I am not wanted. As I grew up I always have had friends, but as everyone knows as you get older you lose friends and it could be from anything boys, not the same interests anymore, or in my case they talk bad about you so you stop talking and hanging out with them. I have been so hurt and burned by people who used to be like family to me that I have anxiety about meeting new people and being friends with them. I prefer to be alone and not talked to unless I already know who you are; I may talk to you, but on the inside, I'm freaking out because I'm scared of who you may hurt me if we become close.
Of course my school life is affected by depression I used to love going to school and learning, which is still true in a way I still love coming to school and I hate missing it, I still love to learn new things every day, but when I come I feel as if I am not wanted there. I little to almost have no friends at school, because I prefer to be alone and I'm too antisocial to make new friends. Without having friends at school I feel unwanted by the other students and like an outcast. I'm not necessarily saying that this is how it is, but to me, it feels teachers not notice it and even if they did they wouldn't care too much about it. To me, it is as if the teachers come to teach get their paychecks and then go into retirement. The standard teaching doesn't work for me which in return adds on to my confidence which leads me to be more depressed. My grades suffer as a response to this because most nights I google the subject and watch many Youtube videos on the subject and reteach it to myself. Recently I haven't been able to to do that, causing me to fail most homework assignments. I do my best, but my best isn't good enough, as a result, I feel as though I'll fail that class because I'm failing my homework assignments.
My home life is effective by the depression making it awful and painful, my parents included. My entire life my parents have been strict and hard on me, which is a great thing. When they first found out about my depression and me being suicidal they thought I was using it as a way to get what I want from them. My mother even said ¨I will not walk on eggshells around you and you are not just going to get whatever you want.¨ It took me almost taking my own life for them to realize I wasn't lying or faking anything. They started being more careful about what they say around me and how they treated me; they become really nice and less strict and hard on me. My siblings didn't change much, in fact, they seem to stay completely the same. Which was a great thing, I didn't want people to change just because of me. I never really had a lot of chores, but it has always been hard for me to them due to the fact I have little to no drive. Now I hardly do my chores and instead I work on homework and it's okay that I do that because my family understands why.
Depression is many things to many people, and everyone is effective and triggered by it differently. One thing that everyone hates is feeling like an outcast; don't baby us just because you don't want to upset us. Instead, show compassion and apologize to things you may have done to you that you know in your heart was wrong. We just want to be loved just like everyone else, but to us, you have to work at getting our trust and getting us to believe you care.