During my first year of high school i’ve already known that i wasn’t stable enough for just about anything, emotionally & mentally. I tried going to school and getting the education i needed but with my anxiety, terrible thoughts, depression.. it was tough. I barely went to class and when i did go; i tried making the best of it.
As time passed it started to get harder to sleep and be happy at all, there were some days i got up and had to force myself out of bed, i cried every night and morning. As I got ready i realized i really have no one. Family doesn’t act like family, friends aren’t really your friends until it’s beneficial for them; but i went on with my life when i didn’t want to. I had no friends. I pushed myself to go to my classes and try, i tried talking to people and find things i’m interested in, i looked for distractions and things that made me happy. I was hopeless.
I then stopped going to all of my classes most days, i started drinking and smoking but still kept to myself. I felt oddly different. Two months into the school year i didn’t feel any better but i started going to some classes again on some days, Living Environment was the only class i was interested in going to because the teachers were understanding and we did a lot of group work so i had time to talk to others. One day in November we were doing group work, this kid Dion started talking to me and i started to feel like i belonged there a little more. Sooner or later i started talking to this boy Justin because he mentioned seeing me smoking, we were in the same group but didn’t really get along.
Justin pretty much told the whole class i’m a pothead and things related to that. I was too emotionally drained to defend myself at first but then i started to stick up for myself. Later on i would always look behind me because i felt someone looking at me, his name is Erik. He would look at me for the whole period and would sometimes tease me about the whole “ pot head “ situation but i was okay with it and i wasn’t sure why. Days went by and he’d continuously stare at me; finally he said something, something about my eyes being “ cool “. I said thanks and brushed it off, it made me smile and that was the first real smile on my face in a while.
We started talking a little more day by day, getting in trouble for not shutting up was worth it. I finally felt like i wasn’t so alone, soon enough he sat near me during class and around this time i was still self harming. One day my sleeves were rolled up and i didn’t realize my cuts were in sight but he saw them and confronted me about it, i felt something i didn’t recognize: being cared for. I kind of brushed it off and we went on with our days, someone in class gave Erik my snapchat and on November 23 was the first time he’s expressed himself to me. He had major feelings for me and sent me paragraphs about how he feels about me all the time even when i did not deserve it.
They’d always be about how he cares for me and how beautiful i am in his eyes but i didn’t understand because i thought he didn’t know me well enough to have feelings for me so it was a little strange and new to me. During this time i was in an on and off toxic relationship with someone named Darin that i’ve been with since August, I told Erik about the relationship and how it was coming to an end because Darin was playing with my emotions and looked at me for my body and nothing more. Erik then wrote me things about how he would treat me better and that i’m worth so much more,i thanked him meaningfully and explained that i can’t get into a relationship with him because it didn’t feel right.. we still barely knew each other.
We started talking more, hanging out during school and as time went on Erik fell for my vibe a little deeper. The paragraphs didn’t stop, i told him it’s ok if we wants to end the friendship if it’s hurting him because i’m not dating him and that’s what he wants to do but he begged me to stay so i did. He was a great friend and the feelings he had for me only got stronger, i was hurting him by being his friend but we didn’t wanna lose each other so we let it pass over. We started hanging out every single day, we got to know each other deeply and personally. He fell in love with my messy, crazy lifestyle and i was comfortable with his, as we hung out everyday his friends realized that we’ve been hanging out a lot and that he brought me up into their conversations often. They asked what’s up with us and he told them that he has feelings but i see him as just a friend, his friends told him to distance himself from me until the feelings go away but he didn’t listen.
We eventually became best-friends in such little time, we had each others backs no matter what the situation was, we pushed each other to do better and helped each other emotionally. He once told me that he would’ve tried talking to me sooner but i looked mean, never smiling so i explained the issues i was going through and he understood and apologized for not helping me quicker. The one line he said to me the first day we’ve ever spoke made my day so much brighter, i’ve appreciated him since then.
On December 21 he realized hanging out with me did make his feelings for me stronger, he mentioned that i made everything easier and better for him. I was happy to hear that but i felt bad that i didn’t feel anything stronger than a friendship for him. We remained close friends and i was actually happy, finally. I didn’t wanna lose him i was so blessed to have him, i really appreciated him so much.
Sometime in January i started getting bad again, i stopped going to school for a little while. Erik felt hopeless i kept pushing him away, i just needed to be alone. We stopped talking as often as usually until February 15, i couldn’t bare with the pain of his absence any longer. I saw him around school, he looked happier than ever but he’s gotten into drinking and smoking everyday. He was the reason i stopped with my bad habits but i was the reason he’s started.
He’s done it, finally. He listened to his friends and stopped talking to me, on February 15 all i can do is think and cry. I saw him in school and broke down, collapsed to the floor and just cried all alone. Him and his friends walked by and just Dion asked if i was alright. I looked up and i saw Erik still walking while Dion was trying to talk to me. I pulled myself together, thanked Dion and walked away in tears. Later on that day i was out of it, couldn’t focus on anything so i put my pride aside and hit him up; I told him to text me when he can or when he wanted to and i mentioned that i’m happy for him because he’s happy. Hours later he responded and he said he thought i’m happier because i don’t have him to bother me anymore so i responded with “ That’s the main thing bothering me, you’re not. “ After that He said hes always here for me so i asked him why he ignored me crying alone in school, he apologized deeply. I then explained how much i appreciate him.
It took some time to bounce back but we did and we couldn’t have been happier but we started drifting apart in the beginning of March again and i wasn’t sure why. On March 17 Th he wished me a happy birthday and since then, our conversations built. We started talking everyday and all day again. It felt great but i didn’t wanna get attached to it because i would be crushed if he leaves again, later on i got attached.
Around August i lost a family member so i distanced myself from everyone and everything. He was there for me through it all, the feelings he had for me didn’t die down when we stopped talking. We remained close, on April 6 he texted me saying this girl wants to fight me because i stare at her but i’ve never seen her a day in my life but she goes to our school so i was with it but really confused. On April 7 i confronted her and we almost fought in front of her class, her name is Talia. After the little fight broke down, Erik, Talia & I were all pulled into the deans office and the truth came out. Erik started dating Talia while me and Erik stopped talking, Erik denied it and lied to my face but Talia and the deans told me the truth. I was mad and hurt but Erik explained, i thought i lost him again but luckily i didn’t. I loved him so much. We’ve had our differences but always bounced right back, “ The easy path isn’t always the right one, take the hard one and watch it pay off “ is what he told me and now i keep it in mind forever.
Later on, Darin came back in the picture. I regret letting him in but Erik was damaged. He hit me up saying he has to drop me as a friend because it hurts so bad and his friends said i was using him. Right there is where and when my world came tumbling down, i cried for eight hours, i didn’t eat or sleep, i wasn’t me. Without him i wouldn’t be half of who i am now, we later spoke about it and we got back to being good friends, i realized i felt something for him. A few months later I left Darin because i knew there was something there for Erik. Darin fought Erik and after that day; me and Erik were officially dating.
Erik spent six months on trying to make me his girl, we were so happy and everything felt right. Later on the spark went away and we broke up, he spent weeks
trying to get me back but the feeling just wasn’t there anymore. It hurt us both,
the day he gave up on me officially as a friend and more than that is the day my heart broke entirely. I couldn’t handle the pain and there was so many things i had to say so. i texted him and explained and apologized.. he read it but there was no response. I understand why but it hurts so bad, having to see him happy with new friends is going to hurt more than anything. I reread our conversations, replay memories in my head.. it all leads to endless sleepless nights full of tears and anger.
I’m going to start my second year of high school now i started my first, broken and alone. With every dark night comes a brighter day, maybe this is the hard path that’ll later on pay off.