Betrayal has to be, by far, the worst feeling in the world. It’s grief, sadness, anger, and resentment all swirling around inside you; pushing and pulling on your weakest seams. The feeling multiplies as you hold it in, your seams start to go pop pop pop, and all your emotions flood out through the open spaces. People will stare, they will start talking, “why does she look like she hasn’t slept in days?” You probably haven’t slept, you cry until you pass out. Betrayal is awful… but it isn’t the end of the world. Life moves on whether you’re ready to or not.
As a girl, I was always seen with the same person everyday. I would go to lunch and playtime with them, I even laid beside them during naptime. Her name was Jennie. Jennie was the girl that everyone liked. They saw her and all they could see was a pretty, shy girl who smiled a lot. But when they looked at me, they saw a little girl with an angry face who cried a lot and was way too violent. How did we stay friends, being such polar opposites? I have no idea.
I had some issues growing up, I had been recently separated from both my mother and my father. It made me violent, emotional, and unlikely to gain friends. Luckily, one girl stuck with me all the way from kindergarten to 9th grade; Jennie. Well, what happened in 9th grade? I’m still asking myself the same question.
. . .
“Are you purposefully ignoring me…? I can see when you’re online”
Whats going on”
“I just don't want to talk to you rn...idk”
Did I do something?
“Do you not want to talk to me at all anymore?”
“..pretty much. I’m tired of you and trent always arguing and stuff and I just don't want to have any friends ig. I’d rather just be alone. Trent had gotten mad because you tricked me and he wanted to protect me because I was hurt and afraid but you say that you did nothing wrong and he’s just a dick to you. You technically started it. Sorry.”
A knife has been stuck in me slowly and turned around and around. She ripped the knife out violently, severing every strand of friendship left. The messages go on forever, and the longer we argue the angrier I get. My vision is blurring and my world is spinning, red hot anger is boiling through my blood and I can't control myself anymore. Emergency lights are flashing in my brain, sirens are going off so loudly that I’m afraid that people in my home can hear what’s happening in my head. I lose it, I had tried so hard to keep our friendship through the harshest times. I can't anymore. I text names at her and mention every insecurity I can think of. I call her a selfish w**** and claim that I hope she gets pregnant and has to drop out of school. These things aren’t true and I don’t mean anything I’m saying.
In this moment, I am not myself anymore. I sob, because when my anger subsides I realize what I did, and what just happened. The regret and guilt in my stomach churns and eventually i throw up. Hot, sticky liquid escapes from my stomach as it convulses violently. It hurts a lot, it’s an uncomfortable and relatively unnatural feeling. I’ve always hated puking. But I don’t mind the physical pain anymore. I welcome it much quicker than the emotional abandonment I feel. I tell Jennie that if I kill myself, the blood is on her hands. Honestly, it was true. It would have been, if I went through with it. I cut my arms, legs, and stomach but I stopped after that. No, I didn't have anyone left to stay alive for. Nothing was holding me back, so what’s stopping me? I’m scared of what death is. I’m afraid of hell, I’m also afraid of reincarnation. If i go to hell, I will suffer worse than I ever did on earth. If I reincarnate, I will forget any of this and I risk making the same miserable mistakes I made in this lifetime.
Different versions of afterlife swirl through my head and they all seem to be bad news. On the other hand, maybe I’m already in hell. Maybe all these bad things happen because in another life, I did some bad things and now I’m paying the price. Thoughts like this kept me alive, no one helped me.
There’s more to the story, and there always will be. I threw away all pictures of me and her, i destroyed the necklace she gave me that i used to wear everyday because i loved it so much. She slipped a note into my flute case one day. Want to know what it said? It said that she hasn’t been able to stand me for months. She had hated me for about 4 months and was trying to get rid of me the whole time. The only reason she didn't “get rid of me sooner” was because she was afraid that i would kill myself, and she didn't want to be blamed for it. She passes me everyday in the hallways and stares me in the eyes all the way down. The hatred is like a fire burning behind her pupils, and all she wants is to scorch me as badly as possible.
Here’s the thing though, i have other friends. She doesn’t. She sits alone and wanders around like a lost puppy. Sometimes when I see her all I want to do is hug her and beg for forgiveness. Other times, when she looks at me, I either want to sit and cry or laugh in her face for being so alone. I never laugh at her, and i don't say anything to or about her. I still cry a lot, though. When people ask about us, I act like it’s not a big deal. I avoid thinking about it at all costs. Because this has changed me to the point where i think about nothing but school or band. I avoid thoughts about her because i’m bad at coping. Yes, this experience has made me a harder worker. But I also don't trust anyone, I’m distant. I’ve been sleeping less, I can't go to bed without having nightmares. This experience changed me and I learned my lesson: life moves on even if you aren’t ready to.