She Wanted to Die

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She wanted to die.

      

When I was twelve, my best friend told me that she wanted to die. I was devastated. I had a feeling that something was wrong, but never asked. I thought, If something was wrong she would have told me. But I knew better and I felt as if I should have known. I knew that I couldn't have ,but I felt as if I had just failed the biggest assignment of my life, being a best friend . I was so overwhelmed, I just didn’t know what to say. So, I didn’t say anything, absolutely nothing at all. I could barely even breathe.

 

Soon enough, we started playing fairies again like all little girls do, as if nothing had ever been said. But after she left, my heart shattered into the smallest pieces that could have been known to man, and all I could feel was the overwhelming tornado of emotions swirling throughout me. I just didn't know what to do with the information that had been hurled right towards my face in the blink of an eye. I sobbed and I let myself feel useless and helpless and more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life.

 

I waited three agonizing days to tell my mom that she wanted to die. I was terrified that she was going to hate me for telling them, or that she would she would never trust me again.


But when I told my mom, it was like the tremendous elephants that had been sitting on my chest turned into fluffy little clouds. I ended up finding out that my friend was going to be fine and that the issue was already being taken care of. I was so relieved to hear that the tortuous secret that I had been holding inside was not as much of a secret as I thought it was.

 

In the next two years, I would have multiple other friends confide in me that they wanted or have tried to commit suicide and all of them were admitted for treatment at various different times. Every time that one of them would confide in me, my heart would break, and I would feel helpless and useless and utterly afraid all over again. I hated and still do hate that I can’t help them with this struggle that they will have to battle with for the rest of their lives.

 

Despite this, I have maintained an overall healthy and happy lifestyle. I like my life and I’m very happy about the way I am living it. My friends and I have only grown stronger from our experiences and we are all so elated to see the wonderful things that we will do in the future. While going through this I have discovered that I’d much rather look on the positive side of things than the negatives because good things always come out from it. If you stay positive only beautiful things will come your way.
 






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