A lot of people view love in so many different ways but, how is love actually defined? Love is defined as “an intense feeling of deep affection.” But, the definition isn’t clear as to what that means, so I think it means caring about them deeper than your greatest fear, putting your all into it even if you’re scared, speaking without fear, being able to have a bestfriend and a significant other all in one, and it isn’t all 50/50 sometimes it’s 80/20 or even 60/40 because one of you is having a bad day. I let so many people walk all over me, and then destroy me as they walked away. Taking all of me as they left, dropping pieces and then having to rebuild them myself.
Honestly rebuilding myself took a lot out of me. I had to re learn how to do everything on my own again. I didn’t have another person to depend on and trust. I had myself and that had to be enough, I had to come to terms with it. For awhile it was like a long winding road with no end in sight. The further I got the more it felt like I was losing myself, looking for him along the way, waiting for him to run up behind me again. I knew it wasn’t going to happen though, and I was okay with it, I kept pushing, until the long winding road didn’t seem so long and end came closer to sight. I realized that I had to make myself happy before anyone else could, and then the road was finally gone. It was only me, and I was okay.
I was okay loving someone with no boundaries. I was okay with giving in no matter who or what I hurt along the way, even if it was myself. I let someone who claimed they loved me break me into a million pieces. I loved him with no boundaries, I fell in love with an illusion. I put everything into a human illusion of who I thought you were and you destroyed other humans for a living. I fell apart when he walked away, I let it happen to myself because I knew I had to let myself fall apart before I could fall back together. Once I fell back together and made sure my pieces were either back into place or 95% of the way there I got up and kept moving.
For awhile I knew what I would say if he came back. I’d tell him about how he broke me and how I came out stronger than ever, but I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he broke me down to my last shred of humanity. So I sat and thought and I came to conclusion that if he came back I would just laugh, and promise myself that I would never put myself through that again. I’d walk away and let him stand there in awe knowing he would never have me again. I built my walls up so high, so I could show him how strong I became all on my own. I didn’t need him. I needed myself. I made myself strong. That’s all I could’ve ever needed.
Throughout all of this I had myself, even when there wasn’t any boundaries. I put myself back together. I held myself in one piece, I gave myself everything. I promised one day I would be okay, and when I finally got to that day, I felt relieved. I felt whole again even without you and honestly I couldn’t be any happier. I have no boundaries, I am whole and I am happy.