Dear Negative Mindset,
Do you remember me? Do you remember how you use to haunt me? I can still remember how mysterious you were. You were always changing in color because you never wanted to be seen. You ate away at my soul until I could feel myself deteriorating. I constantly questioned who I was because of you. Oh how worthless you made me feel. Imagine the feeling of being deserted as you ripped the happiness out of me. Can you envision the feeling of never finding satisfaction? You told me I was a failure. Do you remember how malleable you made me? I so easily believed your fallacious words you pounded day and night into my head. You convinced me that you were always right when you were always wrong. Dear Negative Mindset, my life is better without you. I will always remember the days when you were with me…
“You can’t do it. You’ll never be fast enough,” my mind says to me. My heart is pounding, my breaths become short gasps for air, and I feel a cramp forming in the side of my stomach. The blazing sun glazes on my forehead as I desperately try to keep running. “The pain is too much; you will never make it.” The voices inside of me start to overcome me and I let it. It erases the pain as I slow down to a jog. The long, treacherous 5k seems to never end. The dirt path stretches longer, the heat gets stronger, the runners get faster, and I am left behind suffocating on the voices that kill my spirit. A small inner voice tells me I will succeed but it is demolished by the other dubious voices I willingly believe. My eyes catch sight of a green flag as it calls me to finish. The bright red line, the people cheering me on to finish strong, and the array of voices battling inside my head. “Do not embarrass yourself! Speed up!” I listen to the voice as I dash in passing two other girls. I see the giant clock and my time; a time not worthy to be proud of. I want to collapse in frustration, in pain, and in annoyance but officials tell me to clear the area. The race is over, but the voices inside my head have only begun. “A disappointment,” it tells me. It questions my motives and why I choose to obey. I too question my actions. Why do I listen to these voices? Do I not control my own thoughts? I leave the race with much bitter disappointment. Only the voices are left in my head to reflect on the race.
Do you see Negative Mindset? Do you see how you are always changing? You urge me to stop, yet are angry when I do. It is impossible to please you. You have ruined my motivation to run fast, and I have lost all hope in success because of you. How can I ever reach my goal with you dragging along? Why do you so love the feeling of failure? Dear Negative Mindset, that is not the only thing you have crushed me in. You follow me everywhere; I feel you most at school. You bring to life the false inner voices of others and implant your ideas inside my head. Oh Negative Mindset; do you remember those days? I always will…
As I enter the dreaded school, I can already feel the voices start to wake. “Another day, another failure,” they whisper inside of me. I trudge down the bland hallway. The walls close around me as I desperately search for an escape. The smell of sweat and dust fill my nose as I scour the area for fresh air. The school pulverizes my soul as I realize there is no escape from the unceasing voices inside my head. I observe the surrounding students and wonder if they feel the same. Some jump for joy at seeing their beloved friends while others look in absolute disgust. I feel the aroma of hidden emotions coming from everyone. No one seems willing to express their true feelings. I can feel the pressure of everyone trying desperately to fit in. Everyone is hoping they belong so they will not be teased today. I have no worries of being hurt because the voices in my head have already occupied the job. The bell rings and I watch as everyone scurries to class. I myself enter the classroom with the same faces staring at me. The same voices chittering inside of my head. The voices exert into my head the thoughts of others. No compliments are given; only harsh words are heard. The teacher begins the class as I try to concentrate. The teacher teaches swiftly, smoothly, and quickly. I cannot keep up; only the voices keep up with taunts. “Why can you not understand? You do not belong here. You are going to fail.” The voices always comment with few words but those few words hit so hard. I try to respond but I cannot think of any reason they are wrong. I disintegrate from the classroom as I cry to the voices to leave me alone.
Oh how I begged you to leave me. How I would pray for you to understand why I did not want you. Of course you never listened. Your only response was laughter and more words of your depressing thoughts. Do you remember how I could not even answer the teacher’s questions, because your voice was the only one I heard? Oh so many voices you have. So many personalities you shift into. I could never keep up. I tried so hard to make you happy and to make you proud.
You ask me why I left you? I am finally answering by writing this torturous letter down memory lane. I could continue with more past memories but they all will end in the same result. They all end with disappointment, anger, frustration, depression, and a complete feeling of no identity. This is why I left you Negative Mindset. You rejected to leave me so I had to do it myself. It was tough to overcome you but for once in my life I refused to obey you. No more sense of being a failure; only the sense of failure leading into success. Dear Negative Mindset, I do not regret leaving you. I do not need you in my life. I am much better off without you. I finally understand the truth and realize that their is good in the world. I can walk into a classroom and feel the new aroma of happiness around me and the eagerness to learn. I can see the potential inside of me that you could never visualize. Do you see how strong I have become without you? I am writing this letter to you as a final goodbye. A symbol of your riddance because I realize now that I did not need you; you were the one that needed me.
A New and Improved Mindset