At Night

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I was just laying there, looking up at the ceiling wondering when did it all go wrong and wishing that it could all just go away. I asked myself why is this happening? Why can’t they be with me? Why me? Why my family? Then I hear what  I pray never to hear again “I just want my mom to walk through the door, I want her to say Goodnight. I WANT MY MOM!” those words shattered my heart like when someone throws a brick at a window. My mind jolted back to when my father was telling my siblings and I that we weren’t going to live with him or my mom anymore, instead we were going to live with our grandparents. At that time moment, I felt alone, like the whole room had gone dark and I was trapped inside alone. But quickly my mind came back and I and had to say “She’s not going to walking through that door...just go to sleep, please...I’m sorry, babe” and every time I said that I heard sobbing and crying. I wanted to give them their parents back but all I could do is rock them to sleep and tell them it was going to be okay, and that we just had to be strong.

 

As we went to sleep, we dreaded what was to come, the next morning. It became morning and that meant we had to go to school, my siblings and I hated school. Unlike every other kid, we had another reason why we didn’t want to go to school. That was because we didn’t know how to read, write, and we could barely speak English. I felt as if I was an outcast, I was held to a higher standard because the school decided to put the girl that didn’t know English in the GT classes. It wasn’t the academic part wasn’t the hardest, but it was being constantly reminded that I didn’t have parents. It wasn’t their intention to do that but they did and it hurt. They did it in the smallest ways yet it hurt like when someone fires a gun at you. The ways that they did this was by saying “I’m so mad at my mom...she didn’t let me go out and play” or “I’m so happy today because my parents surprised me with breakfast in bed” and all I could think about was I don’t have a mom to be mad at and I don’t even have one parent to cook me breakfast. To top things off there were kids that teased me for everything I couldn't do and if I could do it they would tell me it wasn’t good enough. I was academically smart but the things were that it in my language so I had to figure out how to think in English. I could understand the language because my parents spoke it but that's it. Everything was going downhill, it got to the point that at night I wished that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning because I knew that it would be another day that I had to put on a fake smile, go to school act like everything was okay, and be strong for my siblings.


I was starting to give up, I couldn't bear it any longer. I felt as if I was carrying all of the weight in the world on my back and I had to act like it was a feather that I was holding. It was exhausting pretending to be strong and happy. People told me that they would understand if I was sad but still to this day I didn’t feel like it was okay to be sad and not be strong because to me it looked like I was the mom. My grandparents didn’t know any English so that didn’t help me or my siblings. My siblings would come to me for school help, they would ask me permission for things, I felt as if I was the one in charge and I didn’t want to be. Every night my siblings and I would cry ourselves to sleep because we were so broken inside, we needed our parents but they were taken away from us. Every night I would feel the warm hand of my brother and he would say “Why can’t we see mommy, why does everyone else have a mommy with them and we don’t?”  it was awful every time my heart would sink and when I thought my heart couldn't be more broken than it already was, I was proven wrong once again. After some time we had wonderful news, my mom was going to be able to cross the border which meant that my parents would be able to come back. At that moment my heart skipped a beat and I was overcome with joy, it was the first time that I got up in the morning and was ready for school; I was so happy because I knew at the end of the day I would be picked up by my parents.


Looking back at all of the pain and sorrow it has made me realize that I am stronger, wiser and has changed my point of view on what's important. I have now had a new outlook on life, I give thanks every day that I have my family and that I never gave up. I am beyond grateful that I have my mom and dad and now everything that they do is appreciated. I am now happier than ever and I can say that my mom and dad drive me to school. That may seem little to a lot of people but to me, it means the world. I have a piece of advice for everyone don’t take things for granted because you never know when they can go away. I won’t take anything for granted anymore, no one should.






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