My trip has been a lonesome one. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I just can't seem to find a comfortable space. Sure, I have people I love and trust (very few at that), yet I can't help but feel isolated. I am surrounded by 2,000 people five out of seven days of the week. I am home with my family everyday. I go out and am in the middle of everyone's social circle but can't find my own. I tell myself that it is only temporary; everything has its time, but I'm getting impatient. I get frustrated and sometimes angry when I'm alone, but feel worse when I'm with people and don't belong. It's my last year of high school and the only close friend I had is gone, leaving me to fend for myself. The first month of high school was alright. I kept switiching to different groups of friends everyday- at least three a day. Needless to say, this left me feeling exhausted. I did this for about 4 and a half weeks before I felt absolutely drained. I didn't pertain to any one group and none were better than the others; I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with that all year long. I know I have to be comfortable being alone- that used to be something I valued much more than anything, my alone time. Now, it's a drag. I find myself bored and upset and the desire for company I can't seem to cease. I'm working on it, though. I'm forcing myself to try and be content with being alone because I don't know when I'll find those peole who I can be my uncensored self with. I also know that being alone is a strength not many possess or ever learn to be alright with. I went years wishing I could be alone all the time, so I know I have the ability. I consider myself a competent person, it's just difficult sometimes; seeing people enjoying themselves and being with others ignites a hard lump in my throat because it is something I so desire but have not yet acquired. I have tried to stop thinking about this too much- the downside of it. The upsides of being alone are endless. It's now the third month of school and I'm not as miserable, I have once again found solace in books and writing and in a small corner of myself. It is true, we all need someone, and that someone can be ourselves.
October 1, 2017