The Downfall of My Life

June 13, 2017
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If I could predict the future, I would've hugged him and made sure everything was okay, asked God to wait please--maybe he would've stayed longer. On January 15, 2016, everything changed.


I was coming back from somewhere with my mom and noticed my grandfather had been in my things and saw that I was pregnant. He came in and yelled at me. The next morning he came in saying he's having a stroke and went to the hospital. While my aunties and uncles came out from everywhere, I just felt like it was my fault. Me being afraid I didn't get to say what I wanted to say while he was in the hospital bed. Seeing him laying there hurt me to the point I couldn't speak, think straight, or even look at him without choking up. I sat in a chair next to his bed and just looked and cried. The only thing that came out my mouth was "I'm so sorry, please don't leave me." With my secret I was trying to hide, I was still going through the troubles and the messed up images of my grandfather on that hospital bed thinking it was my fault of him being like this. I couldn't sleep really thinking of the image of him laying there fighting for his life but slowly giving up. January 18, 2016 I was at my bestfriend's house when my mom came to pick me up and told me he had passed. All I can remember is the sun shining bright I should've known it was his spirit leaving to heaven but my mom told me that he passed at 9:00 a.m on that Monday. I couldn't cry, I was so surprised that my grandfather died feeling that it was my fault he was like that but the simple fact he was just smiling and laughing just a week before any of this happening and how he was back and forth from Canada just living his life and everything to a week later not living anymore. I really just think on all of the things that he did for me and how he was mostly my father figure in my life seeing that my real dad wasn't around.


Then at his funeral I could just drop seeing my great grandmother sitting seeing her son laying there lifeless even though he was old of age she that's still her son and her child and seeing him like that she could'nt take it. With her losing me uncle, my grandpa, and great grandfather it really hit me for her because even though you'll say alot of hello's and goodbye's in life knowing your child(ren) is no longer living hurts so much and your husband. My mom been different since then we both been changed since then and it seems like we've been arguing and not seeing eye to eye since sometimes. After I had the baby, she changed alot, and she then started to try to kick me out the house with my baby so I left the one night. I thought it was because she was hurt of my granddad dying and me having a baby, so I always tried to work with her thinking she was hurt knowing that he was all she had and how her childhood was all she knew was her dad. She grew up with no real mother and a stepmother who treated her like Cinderella with my granddad having issues, so her whole life has been messed up.


I still think about him and what happened until today. I used to dream about him and for some reason I never got a chance to speak to him but now I don't dream about him anymore. Sometimes I try to, but I don't see him anymore. I just wonder what happened. I love my grandfather so much and if i could go back, I would change everything back around.

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